Fernando The Alpaca
by AgeAndRicchanOwnYourSouls
Summary: HIATUS. "I had sexual intercourse with a wild alpaca last Tuesday…" "Oh, did you now?" Two crazy girls from Canada. A Host Club. An Alpaca who happens to be named Fernando. Could you ask for any more than this? I think not. HikaruXOC, KaoruXOC T for safe
1. Chapter 1: Starting Today, You Are Bob!

Hey, everyone! Miharu and Mitsuki here! This is our very first collab together, please enjoy, and don't forget to review… We have pie? :D -shot repeatedly in the head with a bazooka carried by Usa-chan-

Oh, and we don't own Ouran High School Host Club. (Though we wished we did, if only for the twins and all the uncharacteristically large strawberries on top of Hunny's cakes…)

-Miha-chan and Mitsu-chan

Chapter One: Starting today, you are Bob!

"I had sexual intercourse with a wild alpaca last Tuesday…" Rei suddenly announced out of the blue, flicking a recently cut, shaggy dark brown lock of hair behind her ear, her dark brown, near black, eyes serious.

"Oh, did you now?" Tohru said in a calm tone, acting as if that was _not_ the weirdest thing she had ever heard. "Why?" she asked after a pregnant pause, twirling a short lock of orange hair behind her ear, her bright blue eyes quizzical.

"Just to see what it was like. Plus, the alpaca gave me a dollar." Rei said seriously.

"You cheap skank!" Tohru yelled, pinching her friend's cheek. "Charge more! I mean, an _alpaca_?! That's some nasty shit you have to deal with!"

"Pfff, please. You're just jealous 'cause _you_ didn't get a turn with Fernando." Rei countered smugly.

Tohru snorted. "You _named_ your imaginary alpaca?"

"He's real, I tell you! _Real_!" Rei shouted, making everyone sitting around the two on the plane stare at her as if (and she was) crazy.

Anyhow, you're probably wondering why: 1: where these weirdoes came from, 2: where they're going, 3: why they are, and 4: why the heck Rei had sex with Fernando the Alpaca. Well, here are the answers:

1: They hail from the faraway kingdom of Canada… _Eh_. (And no, they do not live in igloos, though they both think it'd be awesome)

2: They're going to Japan, or, more precisely, Ouran Academy.

3: They're going to Ouran Academy, disguised as boys, because they made a bet with a few friends that they could do it. Winners get the losers to buy them pocky for a whole year. (That stuff isn't cheap, you know)

4: Because Fernando is better than you'll ever be. Deal.

"Okay, passengers, the plane will be landing in two minutes." Someone announced.

"Geez, that was _such_ a predictable, normal announcement." Tohru rolled her eyes. Both avoided normal like the bubonic plague.

"Yeah, they should make an announcement like…" Rei thought it over. The plane landed, and just as the voice was about to announce it, the two got up and started dancing like spazzes, singing:

"I'm not wearing underwear today!

No I'm not wearing underwear today!

Not that you'll probably care,

Much about my underwear!

Still none the less I've gotta say:

That I'm not wearing underwear

To—Daaaayyyy!"

"Get a job!" Tohru yelled teasingly.

"Thank you!" Rei winked, showing the thumbs-up.

"Well, Japan flight, you've been a simply _lovely_ audience," Tohru started, curtseying.

"But I'm afraid we must take our leave now, ta-ta!" Rei finished, curtseying as well. They skipped off the plane and hailed a taxi to take them to their house, luggage crammed in between them. The rest was with the movers.

"Tohru, I'm boooorrrreeeddddddd!" Rei whined once they were inside.

Tohru rolled her eyes. "Then go make love to Fernando. What am I supposed to do about it?!" She was starting to get annoyed.

Rei seemed to consider it, and turned, as if asking Fernando's permission. She turned back to Tohru, grin in place.

"Fernando and I would like to know if you wanted to join us." She said simply.

"…Go to your room! Fernando, don't foll—Oh for Christ's sake, now _I'm_ talking to him!" Tohru groaned, kicking Rei into her bedroom and locking the door. She headed outside to greet the movers.

_The next day_

"Rei? Rei! REEEIIIIII! Get up _now_! Or do I have to kick the door down?!" Tohru yelled, gazing at the digital clock in horror. They had ten minutes, not nearly enough time to get ready, but they were going to try anyway.

"Ugh," she heard Rei groan from the other side of the door, and said girl opened it to see Rei in full uniform (if not a little sloppily), rubbing her eyes tiredly.

"Come_ on_! We're late as it is!" Tohru yelled at her, and Rei shot out the door and got on her skateboard, tossing Tohru hers.

"Lezzgo, Harry." Rei grinned.

Tohru smiled. "Sure thing, Ron." (Names based on intellect level. Now you know)

They zoomed into Ouran, still on their skateboards, and literally broke through the door to their first class and continued to argue.

(Note: **Bolded sentences** means they're speaking English, which these students in this class don't understand.)

"**Harry Potter gets more chicks. He's the frikkin' **_**chosen one**_**."** Tohru said, sending her best friend a smirk.

"**Yeah, well, well, well… Ron gets to make love to Hermione, Ginny **_**and **_**Tonks!"** Rei yelled back.

"**Since when?!"**

"**Since I read that lemon on Fanfiction,net!"**

"**You read a lemon on ?!"**

"…**Noooo…"**

"**Pervert."**

"**Nyah!"** Rei stuck her tongue out, then, facing the confused students, winked, flashed a dazzling grin to the ladies (who swooned in reply), and introduced himself. "Yo, Rei Fujiwara here! Nice to meetcha!"

"And I'm Tohru Matsuo." Tohru announced with an identical wink and grin. (causing another round of swooning.)

"And we're…" they said together, but then paused, trying to think of something.

"Attractive?" Tohru tried.

"Weird?" Rei said.

"Oh! I know!" Tohru chirped.

"I am reading your mind, my friend." Rei said wisely.

"Sexyfine! / from Canada!" were heard at the same time. Rei the former, Tohru the latter.

Tohru turned to her friend. "_Sexyfine_?" she said. "_Really_?"

Rei grinned proudly. The teacher facepalmed. He _thought _these girls were intelligent. After all, they had gotten in on a partial scholarship… He looked at their files. Ah, there we go. Tohru Matsuo was on a writing scholarship, while Rei Fujiwara was on an arts scholarship. He taught math, airgo: his life would be hell from this second on. Suddenly, he couldn't wait for his students to graduate…

"Well, take a seat in front of Mr. Fujioka. Mr. Fujioka, would you raise your hand, please?" the teacher said, and a doe-eyed boy raised his hand. A few girls giggled mindlessly for no apparent reason as they passed by them and into their new seats.

"Pssssstttt, Tohru…." Rei whispered loudly. Tohru turned around, irritated expression on her face.

"What?"

"Ring ring"

"Hello?" Tohru grinned.

"Ring ring"

"He-Hello?" Tohru said louder.

"Ring ring"

"Hello?"

"Ring ring"

"Hell—"

"You have a bad connection!" they yelled in unison, then started up again after a pause.

"Ring ring"

"Hello?"

"Ring ring"

"Hell-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo!~" Tohru said.

"Fujiwara! Matsuo! Don't make me punish you on your first day here!" the teacher yelled.

"Don't do anything you don't wanna do, Bob." Tohru said nonchalantly.

"Bob?!" the teacher said incredulously.

"Ah! He answered to it!" They snicked in unison, then pointed their fingers dramatically at him. "Starting today, you are Bob!"

The teacher's left eye twitched as he facepalmed, and Rei and Tohru slapped a high five before opening their notebooks to doodle and write.

A certain pair of twins two rows behind them smirked.

"Well, Kaoru, what do you think?" Hikaru asked his brother.

"I think they have potential." Kaoru answered with a devious smirk.

"Of course, you mean," Hikaru started.

"As our new toys." Kaoru finished.

When the final bell for the day mercifully rang, the twins approached Rei and Tohru, who were talking about something in English they didn't understand.

"**No, you are **_**wrong**_**! CSI Miami is **_**so**_** much better than CSI New York!" **Rei said stubbornly.

"**Nu-uh!" **Tohru said.

"**Yeah-huh!" **Rei shouted back.

"**Nooo, CSI New York has better character depth, and, and…" **Tohru argued.

"**Yeah, well, CSI Miami has most logical deaths, and there's better conclusions, and more drama, and, and…" **Rei trailed off, taking a deep breath. An awkward silence took over.

"…"

"…"

"…**What were we talking about, again?" **They asked each other in unison, laughing at themselves.

Hikaru and Kaoru sweatdropped.

"Even though we couldn't understand that, we have a feeling it was something completely stupid that you were just talking about." They said in unison, making the two girls dressed as guys jump and whirl to face them in surprise.

"What do you two want?" Tohru asked politely, trying in vain to conceal her blush as she looked the two over secretly.

"We want you," Hikaru started.

"To come to the," Kaoru continued.

"Third music room." They both finished.

"Right now?" Tohru said, eyebrow raised in both irritation and curiosity. Was it really so important they came?

"Yes, right now." The twins replied slowly, as if they were stupid.

"Fine, fine. We'll go there in a few minutes." Rei said with an irritated smile, and watched in amazement as the twins disappeared. "How'd they do that?"

"I think they just walked away superfast." Tohru replied, sighing at her friend.

"No, I mean that when they were talking, they had sparkles surrounding them!" Rei yelled back.

Tohru thought it over for a moment. "Now that is a profound mystery indeed."

"So, shall we?" Rei grinned, getting on her skateboard.

Tohru grinned, holding the thumbs-up. "Let's." She replied, getting on her skateboard.

And they rolled to the third music room with such superhuman speed that they couldn't stop at the door and crashed into it, falling down, and unconscious.

The hosts opened the door. "Welco—What the--?"

The two got up and dusted themselves off.

"Yo." Tohru said.

"Wassup, home skillet?" Rei continued.

"Home… skillet? Haruhi, what is a home-skillet? Is it some sort of commoner slang? Is it a type of food? I want to try it! Buy some for us, would you?" Tamaki freaked out, getting excited at the end.

"Senpai, you're being an idiot again." Haruhi deadpanned, sending Tamaki to his emo corner.

"Well, at any rate, welcome to the Ouran Host Club…" Kyoya paused with an evil smile. "…_Sirs_…"

Uh-Oh… SPAGHETTI-O!~

Haha, how'd you guys like our first chapter, huh? :D Tell us in a review, please! It would be much appreciated!~

Thoughts while writing this chapter:

"I want a go with Fernando…" –Miharu

"I could really use a dollar…" –Mitsuki

"Hey, Mitsuki?" –Miharu

"Yes?" –Mitsuki

"I'm not wearing underwear today." –Miharu

-Eye twitch- -Mitsuki

"KIDDING!" –Miharu

"What's wrong with reading lemons?!" –Miharu

"If you have to ask, you'll never know." –Mitsuki

-Reading page four- "Finally! The twins show up!" –Miharu and Mitsuki

"Tamaki's kind of like a semi-retarded puppy, isn't he?" –Mitsuki

"If he was, he'd use that excuse to hump Haruhi." –Miharu

"…" –eye twitch- -Mitsuki


	2. Chapter 2: Paint Wars Lead To Fernando

Yay, we are so happy that people have been reading this!~ Thankies, peeps!~

Thank you to:

Noir The Confused

XxFallingxxAngelxX

Ieatyourfacebam (Awesome name.)

ladydevil2386

And especially to:

Vinvervi (You, my friend, get a taco. Just because that's how we do things. ;D)

For being our very first reviewer! Thanks, it means A LOT. Trust us. As for our reply:

Fernando is very good at what he does. How it feels depends on who he's with… Hehe…

And now, on with the chapter!~

-Miharu and Mitsuki

Chapter Two: Paint wars lead to bizarre things

"Tohruuuuuu…." Rei whined, dusting herself off. Tohru spared her a disinterested, sidelong glance before replying.

"Yes?"

"I'm hungry."

"Fattie." Tohru whacked her head with a rolled up newspaper that came out of nowhere.

Rei puffed out her cheeks childishly, crossing her arms while rocking back and forth on her heels.

"There's cake inside! Do you two like cake?" Hunny said, smiling widely with his patented "cute look". Rei mellowed out, beaming at the little senior.

"Yes, I love cake very, very much!" Rei cheered. Tohru sighed.

"I suppose it couldn't hurt. Can we?" she said, turning to Kyoya and Tamaki.

"Of course!" Tamaki beamed, leading the two in.

"Mmmll mmmfff ffffmmmmkkk. Fffffnnnnngg fffuuu!" Rei said, smiling with her mouth open.

"Eh?" The host club said. Tohru sighed again.

"He said he loves cake. Thank you." Tohru translated, looking over at her friend with slight disgust. "And chew with your mouth closed, Rei."

"Toh-chan is the responsible one, neh?" Hunny asked, tugging on the sleeve of her blue jacket to get her attention.

Tohru smiled slightly. "I suppose you could say that."

Rei snorted from her chair. "Him? Responsible? Hah, _he's_ the one who loses everything he's given in the time span of ten minutes."

Tohru instantly reddened. "R-Rei! Quiet!"

Rei whistled innocently. "And then there's the bad habit that he has of burning everything meant to be edible, and—"

"Well, at least _I_ don't have imaginary friends!" Tohru hissed.

"Fernando is _real_!" Rei hissed back. Lightning flashed between the two.

"Who's Fernando?" asked Hikaru and Kaoru, suddenly beside the two.

"Her imaginary alpaca that she—"

"**Tohru, ixnay on the ex-say." **Rei said in English, making strangling gestures and glaring.

"**Then ixnay on the ecret-say."**

"Why are you two speaking in English again?" Hikaru and Kaoru asked with sighs.

"'Cause Canada is awesomeness, bitchez!" Rei shouted, running around in circles while dragging Tohru around, as well.

"If you two continue to disrupt the club, I'm afraid we are going to have to respectfully ask you to leave." Kyoya said. "Now, if I am correct, you are Rei Fujiwara, here on an arts scholarship, and Tohru Matsuo, on an English scholarship, correct?"

And then he wrote something in his scary black book, smirk in place. The two froze, eyes wide with childlike fear.

"Rei, is he doing what I think he's doing?" Tohru said in a quaky voice.

Rei immediately stiffened. "He is… I think… He's…"

"WRITING OUR NAMES IN HIS DEATH NOTE!" They yelled in unison. Kyoya rolled his eyes.

"Death note?" Tamaki.

"Death note?" Haruhi.

"Death Note? Sounds scary." Hunny.

"…" Mori.

"Death?" Hikaru.

"Note?" Kaoru.

"OTAKU!" The twins suddenly yelled, pointing at the two.

"Hikaru, Kaoru, be quiet, please. The guests are about to enter." Kyoya said whilst rolling his eyes and shutting the book with a suppressed smirk.

"So, what does this club do?" Tohru asked the doe-eyed brunette, Haruhi.

"Well…" Haruhi groaned, and then Tamaki basically had a verbal seizure, explaining the importance of the club, etc, etc. Five minutes passed, and he finally took a break for air.

"Tamaki, I do _hate_ to interrupt," Tohru made a mental note that Kyoya held no regret whatsoever as he said this. "But it's opening time." He turned to the two. "Are you going to designate a host?"

The two looked at each other. "Designate?"

"By the looks of you two, I would never have guessed you were _gay_, but looks can be deceiving, I suppose." Tamaki said with a broad sweep of his arms, getting up close to the two. "Now which man is your type?"

"No, it's not," Tohru started.

"Like that!" Rei finished. The two's faces were bright red with embarrassment.

"Now, now, no need to be shy. Do you like the Natural type, Haruhi?" A gesture towards Haruhi, though a little hesitant, they noticed. "The cool type, Kyoya?" Kyoya. "The devil types, Hikaru and Kaoru?" Hikaru and Kaoru. "The wild type, Mori-senpai? The boy Lolita, Hunny-senpai?" Mori and Hunny. "Or… Am I what you're looking for?" He finished somewhat arrogantly, beaming. He faltered when he noticed that his two-person audience was no longer there, and turned to see that the two boys were talking with a blushing and giggling group of girls.

"Hey!" He yelled. The two turned in unison, smiling innocently.

"Yes, did you need something?" They said sweetly, sparkles surrounding them. The girls swooned.

"Don't take my customers!" He pointed dramatically at them, then smiled triumphantly. "Oh, I get it now! You want to join this host club, don't you?"

"No, not at all." They answered bluntly, and Tamaki reverted to the emo corner.

"But that pose is great, hold it, will you?" Rei muttered with a grin, pulling out a sketchpad and pencil and drawing. Every once in a while, she would look up at the frozen Tamaki, biting her lip and returning her eyes to the page.

"Ah! Finally, done!" Rei announced, and showed everyone her drawing—an anime-style Tamaki in a very… uh, fitting pose for him. Tamaki sparkled.

"I look marvellous!" He yelled, and the fangirls nodded in agreement. Rei ripped out the page and handed it to him, smiling slightly.

"Take it, if you want. Thanks for posing for the sketch." Rei thanked with a big smile now, strolling out, Tohru right on her heels. "Well, see you!"

"Wait, but what about joining the club?!" Tamaki yelled after them.

"Our answer is still the same: NO!" They yelled back, and he turned to dust.

Kaoru and Hikaru peered over disintegrating Tamaki's shoulder to survey the drawing.

"Whoa…" They said in unison. The lighting, the shading, the pose, the expression… All were so accurate… They looked at where the two "boys" had exited.

"Well, this just got…" Kaoru started.

"…A whole lot more interesting…" Hikaru finished.

"Oy, Milord, how long are you gonna be in that corner?" They asked in unison.

"Sorry to interrupt, but everyone, please, we have guests to attend to." Kyoya's voice shook them out of their fascination and everyone scuttled over to their tables.

_Timeskip (6:00 pm)_

"Yo, Rei, I'm starvin' here," Tohru said lazily, opening the door to Rei's studio. Rei looked down from the ladder she sat atop and dropped her paintbrush into the paint can before bringing it out again and whipping it across the naked wall in graceful strokes as if Tohru had never so much as entered the room.

"Rei!" Tohru said louder. "I'm starved!"

"I heard ya the first time, bitch!" Rei said in a wannabe-gangsta tone.

Tohru played along. "Aw, _hell no_, you did _not_!" she screamed, pulling the ladder over sideways and sending Rei crashing down, the paintbrush flying.

"Pffffff---Oh. My. God. Rei, look in the _mirror_!" Tohru burst out laughing, handing her a small mirror. When Rei looked at her reflection, she immediately flipped out. Paint streaked across her face, the red resembling a giant, gaping would against her pale skin. This had obviously happened when she fell over.

"Tohru…" Rei said in a dangerous tone. Tohru gulped, getting a running start. "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU BIZNATCLE ON A STICK!"

"AHHH! STAY AWAY FROM ME, CRAZY!" Tohru screamed in terror.

CRASH!

BOOM!

BANG!

CLANK!

Silverware was wrenched from the tabletop as they collided with the furniture, plates broke upon impact, chairs toppled over, and pillows were ripped. The doorbell rang. Tohru ran to it, thankful beyond belief to whoever was beyond that door. Her saviour. Her GOD! Rei tackled her before her hand could reach out to pull the door open.

"ME 'N' FERNANDO ARE GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!" Rei yelled.

"AAAHHH! HELP! HELLLPPPPPP!" Tohru tried to claw her way over to the door. Both girls rolled at top speed into Rei's makeshift studio. Rei smirked sadistically, Holding up the paintbrush smothered in bright red colour menacingly.

"NOO! NOT THE PAINT, ANYTHING BUT THE PAINT!" Tohru bolted to the door, shakily unlocking the door. Rei caught up, and, holding the paint can and paintbrush in her hands, slashed the brush all the way down Tohru's face.

"HAH! REVENGE!" Rei shouted triumphantly, and the door opened.

"OH NO WAY! GIMME THAT PAINT! I SWEAR TO GOD, REI!" Tohru screeched, grabbing the paint can. A tumbleweed danced by and Mexican standoff music played in the background.

"Where the hell did that tumbleweed come from?" Rei suddenly asked her.

Laughter was heard from the doorway, and they turned, shocked, to see Hikaru and Kaoru curled over, laughing their asses off.

"You two are the weirdest--!" Kaoru laughed hysterically.

"What was that all about?!" Hikaru said between loud guffaws.

"Your mom!" Rei shouted, pointing at them. The two tried to regain composure, but failed, and burst into another fit of wheezing laughter.

"Wait a sec, wait a sec," Tohru said calmly, rubbing the paint off her face with a damp towel. "What are you two doing here? More importantly, how the hell did you even find out where we live?"

"That's,"

"A secret."

"Creepers…" Tohru muttered into the towel, and finally getting all the paint successfully off, passed a towel to Rei, who in turn did the same.

"So, why did you two,"

"Have paint on your faces in the first place?"

"Call it 'artistic expression'." Rei said, posing with a wink and her tongue sticking out.

"I'd rather call it: 'stupid beyond belief', actually." Hikaru deadpanned.

Tohru gasped. "GASP."

"You _dare_ mock the utter mysticallness of our paint war?" Rei started, mockingly indignant. "Do you _know_ how you'll be punished?!"

"Hah, what could you two _wimps_ do to us?" Kaoru taunted with a smirk. The two "boys" grinned mischievously.

"Oh, we have ideas…" Tohru smirked, holding up the paint can threateningly. The twins' eyes widened, and they took off down the hall, arms flailing.

"You wouldn't--!" Hikaru yelled. Rei smiled angelically, holding up two giant paintbrushes.

"Try me." She replied simply, making swipes at the two as they dodged with a clumsy sort of grace.

"Haha, how about you take back that wimp comment now?!" Tohru cackled, chasing them into the studio.

Kaoru simply grinned. "No way… _wimp_."

"Ohhh, that's it! So help me God!" Tohru said, snatching a paintbrush from Rei, dipping it in the purple paint and slapping the brush across his face. She grinned in triumph at his shocked expression.

And then, his face suddenly broke into a devious grin. "You're not getting away with that!" he exclaimed, and grabbed his own paintbrush, dipping it in bright yellow paint and doing the same as what she had just done. She blinked, and suddenly, a battle ensued.

Meanwhile, Hikaru and Rei were circling each other, paintbrushes held out to each other like swords. Each time one of them tried to take a swipe of "artistic expression", as Rei called it, onto the other's face, it would be blocked. Then, suddenly, Hikaru drew his hand to his side, the paintbrush dropped on the floor. Rei took a swing, but Hikaru pulled a paint brush from behind his back and marked her face up with a bright green shade. She swung her paintbrush upward, coating the very center of his face with thick blue paint.

The battle lasted an hour. Fernando had to intervene (or so Rei said. Conveniently, she is the only one who can see Fernando) so that they didn't end up with paint brushes stuck in uncomfortable places.

In the end, they were all sprawled on the paint-splattered hardwood floors, panting and laughing hysterically at the same time.

"Haha, your face… Kaoru… Covered in purple!" Tohru choked out, pointing to Kaoru with a mocking finger.

"Like you're one to talk, yellow-face!" Rei snickered.

"You're in no position, either!" Hikaru laughed. "You look like you're sick, with that green face!"

"But, Hikaru…" Kaoru grinned. "Have you forgotten the blue paint on your _own_face?!"

"Ahhhh…" The four exhaled.

Tohru sobered. "Okay, so, what did you two come here for, again?"

"Dunno. We were bored." They answered in unison. The girls sweatdropped.

"Oh yeah, guys?" Rei said calmly, smile on her face. "We should probably get this washed off soon. Unless, of course, you want to be called rainbow face for the rest of the month."

They started to freak out.

"Hey, why don't your taps work?" Hikaru asked in panic.

"WHAT?!" Tohru yelled, flinging herself over.

"Yeah, no water's coming out!" Kaoru said, exasperated.

The three turned to Rei, who was laughing nervously.

"Heh, heh. So _that's_ what that pipe did? My bad…" They sweatdropped.

"C'mon, Kaoru, we're going home." Hikaru announced.

"Hey wait!" Rei called out to them. "We're coming, too!"

"Why?" The twins asked rudely.

Tohru huffed. "'Cause it's your fault we look like this."

"No it isn't—"

"Would you like my best friend Pablo Rodriguez the Mexican taco farmer slash retired camel wrangler and his twin brother Pedro the dance instructor slash redheaded twin assassin to beat you up Hikaru?" Rei threatened without taking a breath. Both twins gulped.

"Then let's go!" Tohru said cheerily, as if Rei had _not_ just said something completely insane. The twins concurred that "he" was probably used to it.

As the twins called their limo driver over, Rei had a dwindling feeling that something bad was going to happen…

_You're just being paranoid._ Said a voice.

"Shut up, Fernando."

_Nice, real nice, kid. I give you sex and what do you do? You shun me._

"People are going to think I'm crazy."

"Too late." Hikaru grumbled.

SMACK.

"Oww! Why'd you kick me in the shin?!"

"It wasn't me. It was Fernando."

Ha-ha, this was A LOT of fun to right. Also, you notice that we thanked some people in the beginning of this chapter? Well, if you want to be mentioned, author alert/story alert/ favorite author/ favorite story us, and you most definitely will be mentioned in the next chapter. Also, please, above all else: REVIEW!!! X3 Please?? :D

…

I bet Fernando wants you to review…

…

Or maybe Fernando just wants you. Period. Who knows?

XD

Anywayyyyy…

Bye for now! See ya next chapter!~

-Miharu and Mitsuki


	3. Chapter 3: Fernando? Where are youu?

Oh mai god, guys! We NEVER expected so many reviews so quickly! OoO We got, like, 6 reviews in one day! :) We are SO grateful to every one of you! Luv ya more than tacos! (And that's commitment, trust us)

Thanks to:

Dark Princess Araisa

Amulet-Spade-Forever

ouran-sohma-fan

have-a-cookie

OhMyGoshsickels

XxFallingxxAngelxX

Ladydevil2386

1WordImagination

Thanks so much everyone!!~ ^3^

-Miharu and Mitsuki

Chapter Three:

"Ooh, I've never been in a limo before!" Rei exclaimed in glee, throwing her arms up in the air excitedly.

"Simmer down, it's not like it's a big deal." Hikaru said, and then they heard him mutter something about: "commoners are so easily amused…"

"… So…" Tohru tried to break the silence. More silence ensued. Big shock there.

"Put a banana in your ear! Put a ripe banana right into your favorite ear! It's true, so true, once it's in your gloom will disappear, the pain in the world is hard to hear when in your ear a—" Rei sang loudly, breaking the silence in an extremely irritating way.

Kaoru turned to Tohru. "What is he _singing_?"

"--banana cheers, so go and put a banana in your ear! ~" Rei continued as if she had not just been interrupted.

"You sing like a girl." Hikaru pointed out, and Rei instantly stopped, frozen in place.

"OH PLEASE I AM TOTALLY MANLY, HIKARU! I MEAN, I READ PLAYBOY AND WATCH SPORTS AND FIND READING BORING AND HATE SHOJO MANGA AND GIRLS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT AND, AND, AND—" Rei freaked out, trying to convince Hikaru of her nonexistent manliness.

Cue one light bulb lighting up in front of a stain glass window as a disco ball spins on the ceiling, reflecting the colors on the walls.

"Okay then…" Hikaru smirked, raising an eyebrow. Rei suddenly wanted to go home. All the way home, to Canada. She didn't want to continue on with this dare. She hated it. She wanted to quit.

"Okay, well, I've got to go… Shave… See you…" Rei muttered, opening the car door… While the car was still moving.

"Rei," Tohru said, dragging her unwilling friend back into the safety of her seat and closing the car door. "Calm the heck down."

Rei was suddenly mellow. "I don't know what you're talking about, Tohru. I'm so calm that I might pass out."

And then she did.

"Did he just…" Hikaru started.

"…Faint?" Kaoru finished.

"Craaappp." Tohru groaned, slapping her forehead in frustration, then turned to the twins. "A little help, here, please?"

"We don't wanna." They said in unison, shrugging. Thankfully, the driver helped Tohru carry Rei into the house, where an army of maids greeted the twins cheerily and stared disdainfully at Rei and Tohru.

"Hikaru, Kaoru! You're ho—What happened to your _faces_?!" Mrs. Hitachiin freaked out.

The twins opened their mouths and closed them a few times before Rei mercifully woke up and started to lie through her teeth.

"Your sons came to visit us and make sure we were settled in since we've only just arrived in Japan a day ago, so we all went for a walk. There was a group of food-deprived orphans playing around near a psychotic painter. He fell over and dropped the paint off his ladder and we all dove to save the poor, parentless children from a quite colorful fate. It was very, _very _heroic." Rei said sleepily, getting up and flashing Mrs. Hitachiin a dazzling smile. Said woman seemed to take the excuse as truth and sent the maids to escort them to bathrooms to clean up.

As Rei just finished cleaning up her face and changed into the stylish boy clothes that the maids had laid out for her to change into after cleaning up, she heard the door open.

"Hunger deprived orphans? Psychotic painter? You make up some weird stories."

One of the twins was leaning against the doorway. She couldn't tell which one it was, though. The only reason she knew who was who before was because of the color of paint streaked across their handsome faces. She wished it had left some kind of faded splash of color to tell them apart. She felt guilty that she couldn't now, and a little ticked off, as well. Why did they have to be so frikkin' identical?!

"Yes, well, we can't _all_ weave stories as realistically as Tohru, but I would like to point out that I managed to convince your mother, my good sir." Rei rolled her eyes, rubbing her face down with a towel and walking toward the door. "By the way, I got something to tell you."

The twin blinked. "What is it?"

Rei took a deep breath in, and:

"THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE MY TORTIALLAZ!" She screamed, then ran down the stairs, laughing like the crazy person she was.

The other twin rounded the corner and stared at the staircase as if Rei's mere step upon it had mutated it.

"Weirdo." They said in unison.

"Sorry for intruding." Tohru bowed, and hurried after her friend. "Ah! Rei, there's a vase there!"

CRASH!

"HOLY FUDGEMUFFINS, REI! I SWEAR TO GOD IF THAT WAS EXPENSIVE I WILL PULL OUT YOUR ORGANS AND GIVE THEM TO CONSTIPATED HYENAS!" Tohru yelled, storming over to her friend.

"Correction: Two weirdoes." The twins said again with sweatdrops. "You two should go home now."

"Eh?! So mean!" Rei whined, twirling around. "Hehe, such a big house."

"Come _on_, Rei!" Tohru huffed, grabbing Rei by the back of her shirt and dragging her unwilling form out with a quick but effectively gorgeous smile to Mrs. Hitachiin and a thank you to the maids that had helped them.

"They seem nice." Mrs. Hitachiin said cheerily to her sons.

"Yes, shame about that vase. They mocked.

"What vase?"

"That one."

"WHAT?!"

"Sooo, what do you want to eat?" Rei asked out of the blue. Tohru facepalmed.

"Of course _now_ you choose to make an obscure reference to the question I posed before the paint catastrophe." She muttered in exasperation.

"You use big words. Translation?" Rei said with a retard smile.

"Llamas." Tohru deadpanned sarcastically.

"Oh, I know, right?!" Rei was instantly enthusiastic. "Our economy is just _horrible_ now!"

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Shut the hell up."

"… M'kay!~"

_Timeskip (The next day, in school)_

"Yooooo! Hikaru, Kaoru!" The twins and Haruhi heard a chipper voice call, and they didn't need to turn around to know that it was Rei who had called out to them.

"Whad up, meh home skillets?" Rei said at a pathetic attempt to be gangsta.

"Yeah, homie G, Haruhi, how ya doing, my gangsta partna?" Tohru continued with a grin.

Haruhi simply blinked. "I have no idea what you two just said.

"Us either!" They said in unison, flashing the peace sign.

"So, the paint came out alright, ne?" Rei grinned. The fangirls' supersonic hearing kicked in and the four boys (Haruhi had left to go to her desk, shaking her head), fangirl eyes flashing.

"PAINT?" They repeated, and Rei smiled widely.

"Yes, see there were these orphans, and—"

"Don't reuse jokes, it's annoying." Hikaru rolled his eyes. Rei stuck her tongue out at him.

"Oooh, they're fighting!" The fangirls swooned with blushes.

Tohru and Kaoru sweatdropped as Hikaru and Rei continued to argue about meaningless things and moved toward their desks.

"Sorry about this, Rei is… How do I say it? Umm… Special?"

Kaoru smiled a slightly amused smile. "I guess that's a proper word for it…"

"Anyhow, sorry for getting paint on your face." She apologized hesitantly.

Kaoru looked surprised. "You're _apologizing_?" She didn't seem like the type to do that.

"Yeah, well, if I hadn't, it would bug me forever, and I don't need that kind of baggage." Tohru said with a casual wave of her hand. She gestured to Hikaru and Rei, still arguing but losing air fast. "This may take a while…"

"HITACHIIN! FUJIWARA! IN. YOUR. SEATS! NOW!" Yelled the teacher, storming into the room.

"Someone's PMSing…" Rei muttered with a stifled laugh and sat down next to Tohru.

Haruhi facepalmed. Rei was worse than the twins…

_Timeskip (After School)_

"So," Tohru said in annoyance. "Lemme get this straight: We're going _back_ to the club."

"Yes." Rei grinned.

"Even though we refused their offer."

"Yep."

"Disrupted their peace and quiet."

"M-hm."

"And left without even giving a proper goodbye."

"Right again."

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"You're an idiot."

Rei smiled bigger than before. "Yeah!"

Tohru rolled her eyes and opened the grandiose doors with a grimace.

Rose petals whirled in a perfect spin before attacking them. The girls around the hosts giggled as they saw Rei and Tohru, little blushes on their faces.

"Welcome." The host club's voices chanted warmly, but their audience was not listening.

"Ack! My eyes!" Rei whimpered as the rose petals flew into her eyes. She tried to rub them out, but no dice.

"Sheesh." Tohru gruffly said, helping Rei get the remnants of those poor, mistreated roses out of her eyes. "You can't do anything without me, can you?"

Sparkles surrounded the two and all the girls squealed so loud that six orphans, twelve pedestrians, five circus performers and two hundred telemarketers pissed their pants seven thousand miles away. Yeah, intense, I know.

"KYAA! So kawaii! Childhood friends love!" The girls screeched, hopping up and down excitedly.

The twins glared. Had those two just stolen their host technique?!

As if to answer this, the two clasped hands, turned their heads to the twins and stuck their tongues out in a smug way. Anger marks twitched on Hikaru and Kaoru's foreheads, and the war of "Who's-more-of-a-dazzling-combo" began.

By the time the club finished, both sides of the battle were panting with exhaustion, and the girls left far more pleased than usual.

"You two!" Tamaki pointed at Rei and Tohru again. "You simply _must_ join the club!"

"No." The two said once again. Tamaki turned to stone.

"And it's not like we don't enjoy competing, but," Rei started.

"Those two," Tohru jerked her thumb towards the twins. "Are the only really interesting ones around here."

The rest of them stiffened, feeling insulted.

"Hehe, this finishing each other's sentences thing," Tohru said.

"Isn't so hard, now is it?" Rei smirked.

"Or maybe we're just awesome like that!" They said in unison, smirking at the twins, mocking them.

"That's it, we declare _war_!" The twins shouted at them.

"SWEET! I'll get my AK-47!" Rei said with a grin.

"Rei, no weapons." Tohru scolded.

Rei pouted. "You never let me have any fun." And she trudged overdramatically out the door.

Tohru shrugged at the hosts and followed suit much less vividly.

_Timeskip (The next day)_

"G'morning, Haruhi, Hikaru, Kaoru." Tohru said with a smile, holding up one hand in greeting. Rei, however, was more extreme with her actions.

"ZOMG! It beh meh bestest buddies eva!" Rei shouted from across the classroom, slinging an arm around Haruhi's shoulders with a laugh. "How is everyone this fine happy sunshine-filled rainbow-covered summer morning?" she asked.

"It's raining, the sun's hidden behind clouds, there's no rainbow and it's autumn." Hikaru deadpanned, and little insult arrows pierced Rei with his words. "You're really an idiot, aren't you?"

The final blow was delivered with those words, and Rei collapsed into her chair, sniffling pathetically.

"Twin number one, you're mean…" She whined.

Tohru facepalmed. "I _knew _I shouldn't have let him have that two-liter bottle of Sprite last night…"

"Last night?" The fangirls repeated, big smiles in anticipation of the story to unfold.

"Tohruuuu, you promised you wouldn't tell anyone about last night!" Rei said with a hot blush on her cheeks, suddenly playing the 'shy' card.

"I'm sorry, Rei, it's just…" Tohru trailed off, looking uncertain as she gazed out the window. "Well…" A secretive glance was shared. Squeals echoed off the walls. Rei and Tohru smirked, flashing the twins the victory sign before turning to the teacher who was angrily tapping his foot, impatient.

"Will you two ever come to my class without causing a scene?" He asked them irritably.

"I'm afraid not, Bob."

"MY NAME IS NOT BOB!"

"Whatever you say, Bob."

"ARGH!!"

The bell mercifully rang shortly after. Bob left the classroom quicker than the students. We shall assume it's for heavy medication or potent liquor that he really needs and not a therapist. We assume wrong, but we won't dwell on it.

"So," Rei grinned at the twins. "Did'ja like our performance?"

"You can't do it well." They stated simply in unison.

"Whattt?!" Rei called out loudly.

"The best way to work," Hikaru started.

"Would be if you were brothers," Kaoru continued.

"Twins, in fact," Kaoru said.

"But you two aren't, so you're out of luck." Hikaru said.

"The guests will get bored of it, too." Kaoru finished.

"Or perhaps," Tohru walked up to them. "It's _you two_ that the guests have been getting tired of. Well, this is where we part ways. Good day." She mockingly bowed and entered English class.

Rei didn't have to look at the twins to know they were overflowing with frustration.

"Ne, Tohru is really good at turning things around and slapping that shit in your face, to boot, right?" She said with a cool smile to acknowledge the fact their emotions were so easily read. "But it's probably true. You keep eating stale bread you're gonna want to have something, how do you say it, fresher?" she paused.

"But wait a sec, if it were me, I'd stomp up to the baker and say: 'what is this crusty-ass shit?! If I want a bun the consistency of a hockey puck, I'll ask for it, poophead!' … But maybe that's just how I was raised."

And on that usually unusual note, Rei left as well, leaving Hikaru and Kaoru to their thoughts.

"I think he's a nutcase." Kaoru said, looping a finger around his ear twice to indicate 'crazy'.

"I think he's a girl." Hikaru said out of the blue.

"…What?"

Bwahaha, and on that cliffhanger of a note, we leave you to your thoughts! (or lack thereof, seeing as reading this may have destroyed all your remaining brain cells, and possibly your sanity, as well, if you have it.)

We are SO sorry that this chapter was filler-ish, but our brains have totally been scooped out of our heads and used to feed hunger-deprived llamas with gender confusion. Yeah, our insanity is still in tact, as you can clearly read, and we like it that way, thank you very much!

Haha, anyhow, on that slightly mad note (we say that a lot, don't we) we bid you farewell, but not for long! Please be sure to review this chapter, pleaseee??? :D –insert Tamaki's puppy eyes here-

-Miharu and Mitsuki

(PS: We know, no Fernando in this chapter, we're disappointed, too…)


	4. Chapter 4: Peanut Butter Bananas

Hey-ho everyone, to grandma's house we go!~ (But not really) Miharu and Mitsuki here, coming at ya to bring you another crack-filled, nonsensical chapter once more!~ We are immensely happy that the story has become this popular this quick! We were expecting one review each chapter at the most, but you guys were like… EPIC WIN and reviewed a lot! So, time for this thingie:

Thank you so much to:

1WordImagination

Amulet-Spade-Forever

RosesAndStripes

Mewkoko

c00kiez

MaroThePanda

Funky Bracelet Chick

IxHatexYouxButxIxLovexYou 

mhyj

XxFallingxxAngelxX

You guys… ;.; -tears of joy- There's not words to describe how awesome you guys are!~ Arigatou!~ :D

And on that teary note, we begin the chapter!

-Miharu and Mitsuki

Chapter Four:

"Never mind." Hikaru said hastily. "C'mon, or we'll be late."

Kaoru looked hesitant to let it go. "Alright... But tell me later, okay?"

"Sure, sure." Hikaru said, making an evasive noise before dragging his brother to class.

_Timeskip (After School)_

"Make way, coming through, we can't stop! Move!" Rei shouted, speeding through the halls alongside a sweatdropping Tohru on her skateboard. The girls giggled and squeaked as they got out of the way, and Rei flashed them a charming smile.

"Ladies." He bowed, then pushed off further. The two were metres away from the door the third music room.

"Crap, Rei, the doors are closed!" Tohru yelled.

"Then we'll just have to make doors, Al!" Rei said determinedly, clapping her hands together with a grin.

"For Christ's sake, Rei, you're not Edward Elric!" Tohru screamed.

"Oh no? Just watch me use my mad alchemy skillage to totally PWN this N00b of a door!" Rei grinned hugely, and before she could press her palms to the door, they opened to reveal Tamaki and Kyoya standing there.

"See? _See_? What'd I tell you? Mad. Alchemy. Skillage." Rei stressed her nonexistent point smugly.

"Idiot…" Tohru muttered.

"You do realise that if you keep making a scene and disrupting our guests, we will have to forcibly remove you two from Ouran, if necessary." Kyoya smiled coldly.

"Waaah, Tohru, the Light Yagami of real life is threatening to hurt meh!" Rei whimpered.

Tohru patted her friend on the head, glaring at Kyoya. "Don't worry Rei… I'll protect you."

"EEEKKK! SO KAWAII!~" The fangirls screamed.

"Why won't you two join the club?!" Tamaki burst into overdramatic tears.

"'Cause we don't wanna. The only reason we came here is to bug them." They pointed at the twins, who glared.

"Eee, so you two are friends with the twins?" The twin's fangirls squealed in bliss.

"No, we're no—" Tohru and Rei started, but the twins had shared an 'I've-got-an-idea' grin and had draped their arms around Rei and Tohru's shoulders, squishing the two between them.

"Yes, as a matter of fact," Kaoru smirked.

"They came here just to visit _us_," Hikaru grinned.

"Didn't you?" They purred to Tohru and Rei.

The twins had them, and Rei and Tohru _knew_ it. Their only option was to…

"Why yes," Rei said with a shy smile, blushing.

"But we're so disappointed…" Tohru continued.

"That the ladies are here to watch…" Rei said.

"It's just so… Embarassing…" Tohru blushed.

Rei raised a hand to cover her mouth and fidget with the bottom of her jacket nervously. Tohru raised both hands to her mouth, intertwining her fingers and looking sideways, away from everyone else.

"AWW, SO CUTE! THEY'RE EMBARASSED ABOUT THEIR LOVE FOR HIKARU AND KAORU! MOEEEEE!~" The fangirls screamed at the top of their lungs.

"Ohohoho!" A voice laughed, and all the hosts flinched slightly, while Rei and Tohru just stared blankly at the brunette girl spinning up from the floor like it was nothing.

"You two," She pointed at them. "Yes, you! Are you new members of the host club?"

"No." Tohru replied.

"Whaaattt?! But I thought for sure…" Renge trailed off, spinning back down into the ground.

"I want me one of those rotating thingamagigs." Rei pouted, tugging on Tohru's sleeve. "Tohru, can we get one? Can we, can we, can we?!"

"Now Rei," Tohru placed a hand on Rei's cheek. "Money is tight this month. We may barely get by. Do you really need such frivolous things?"

Rei lowered her head, blushing. "No," she sniffled cutely. "All I need is you, Tohru."

The eruption of shouts and cries was deafening.

"H-how absolutely heart-warming!" Tamaki sobbed, grabbing Rei and Tohru's hands tightly. "Your careful commoner's adoration for each other is so touching!"

"Did you have to mention 'commoners'?" Tohru deadpanned.

"Don't upset the commoners, boss." The twins said teasingly.

"That's right! We've got cheese in a can and we're not afraid to use it!" Rei yelled with a triumphant smile.

"Cheese…?" Hikaru started.

"…In a can…?" Kaoru finished.

"OH MY GOSH, WHERE DO YOU FIND THAT STUFF?! IT SOUNDS DELICIOUS!" Tamaki yelled enthusiastically.

"We have some back at our house." Rei piped up with a grin. "You guys could come over and try it after the club finishes!"

"Rei, ixnay on the eez-chay." Tohru hissed.

"Ixnay on the atin-lay." Rei hissed back, then beamed at the club. "So, come over after school, 'kay?"

"Wait, where do you live?" Hunny asked.

They smirked. "Just ask Hikaru and Kaoru, they know the way to our place."

Tamaki and the fangirls freaked out for entirely different reasons.

_Timeskip (After Club)_

The hosts energetically rang the doorbell.

"Tohru, get that, will you?!"

"Why can't you?!"

"I am a ninja! RAWR!"

"Then why don't you get the damn door?!"

"Fine! Be that way!"

"I will!"

Rei opened the door, smiling. "Hello!~" They sweatdropped.

"Oooh, mother, it's another commoner's home! Isn't this exciting?!" Tamaki said hyperly.

"Mother?" Tohru questioned, and before Kyoya could explain, Rei yelled:

"Dibs on being the alchoholic uncle with a gambling addiction that makes him visit the llama track every Tuesday!"

Everyone stared.

"…What?"

"Ookay, who wants cheese in a can?" Rei changed the subject, tossing everyone a spray can of cheese and showed them how to eat it.

"Oooh, the tangy flavour tastes cheap yet leaves an incredible rush after!" Tamaki grinned, spraying more cheese in his mouth. Kyoya had handed Rei the cheese back without even trying it, Mori had given Hunny his, Hunny had finished both, Haruhi had tried it once and gave it back, and the twins surveyed it critically.

"This doesn't look very good." Hikaru said flatly.

Rei gasped. "Elgaspo! Me and Fernando can not _believe_ you just said that, twin number one!"

"How do you know I'm not twin number two?" Hikaru shot at her.

".." Rei had nothing to say, for once.

Tohru started shifting around uncomfortably. "Oh no, Rei, I think I've got my…"

Rei blinked, then turned serious. "Are you wearing any…?"

Tohru shook her head, and Rei stiffened.

"I didn't buy any…"

"Oh shit…"

Cue Kyoya's lightbulb.

"Well, it's getting late, you all should _really_ be getting to your houses!" Rei announced and pushed them all out the door. Kaoru and Hikaru looked back to see Tohru curled over in pain, clutching her stomach tightly. As Kyoya passed the two, he told them to take them to their mother, as she would know how to handle this.

Lightbulb. Lightbulb.

"Thanks, guys." Rei grinned, patting Tohru gently on the shoulder as she grunted, her face almost pressed to the floor of the limo, bent over. "Tohru, you okay?"

"What do _you_ think?!" Tohru hissed in pain.

_Whoa, someone's PMSing…_

"Fernando! Shut up! Where were you, anyways? You weren't in the last chapter!" Rei shouted at Fernando.

_I was whoring myself out on the street._

"Classy, alpaca…" Rei rolled her eyes.

_I don't need your attitude, bitch._

"Well I don't need your love, pimp." Rei countered.

_You don't?_

"…Well… Maybe a bit… Whorebag."

_Harsh_.

"That's how I roll, Fernando-Fern-Fan Palm-Palm tree-Coconut-Pineapple." Rei smirked.

"How does no one else notice that you're a schizo?" Hikaru exclaimed, raising an eyebrow in frustration.

_What a dickhead._

"I agree. I mean, a schizo? That's crazy talk, right, Fernando?"

_Definitely. But if you _were_ a schizo, I would say that anyway, wouldn't I?_

"Cheezdoodles! You're right, Fernando!"

"Is anyone else finding this weird?" Hikaru said.

"Me." Kaoru said.

"Excuse me sirs," The driver said nervously. "We're here." He finished, and jogged over to open up the door.

Rei strolled in like she owned the place.

"Ladies," Rei inclined her head with a smile at the maids, who swooned in reply.

"Oh, hello. Hikaru, Kaoru, your little friends are back today, I see." Mrs Hitachiin said, strolling up to them grandly with a dazzling smile.

"Yes, thank you for allowing us into your home." Rei bowed politely.

"Do you have multiple personality disorder or something? You keep switching characters." The twins said together flatly.

"Now, that's rude!" Mrs Hitachiin scolded them, then turned to Tohru. "Oh dear, what's wrong?"

"Urrrrgghhhh…." Tohru merely groaned in reply.

Lightbulb.

"Ohh, I know what it is. Come with me, you two," she said sharply to her sons. "Stay here."

"Huh?"

"Are you hungry?" Mrs Hitachiin addressed Rei, who nodded. "You two show her the kitchen, alright? I'm afraid the chef is on break."

"Aw, what a drag." The two grumbled. "Alright, c'mon, Rei."

"Coming!~" Rei chirped, working twice as hard to match their long strides.

"So, is Tohru a girl?" Kaoru asked offhandedly, as if simply inquiring about the weather.

"Wh-What?! Pfff, noooo…" Rei snorted suspiciously.

"Oh, really?" Hikaru smirked. "Then _she_ isn't having _cramps_ because _she's_ on her _period_?"

"Period? What's that? Is that a girl thing? We're manly men, we don't know what that means!" Rei said quickly.

"Cut the act," Kaoru pressured her. "We _know_ you're girls."

"Yeah, so?!" Rei was immediately on the defensive. "What're you gonna do? Tell the whole school?!"

"No, see, we're nice people, so we'll let you two get away with a minimal punishment game." Hikaru grinned devilishly.

"P-Punishment game?" Rei repeated nervously. "Like what?"

"Oh, not much, just…"

"…Joining the host club…"

"…And being our personal slaves…"

"WHAT?! NO WAY?!" Rei exploded, actually blushing for real this time.

"Why not? This way, we _both_ get something out of the deal." They replied.

Rei tried to simmer down, then looked at the floor, muttering. "Rich bastards… Fine…"

"Yay!" The twins cheered, slapping high fives and leading Rei into the kitchen.

"So, this is the kithe—"

"Ohmygodit'ssobig!" Rei said without taking a breath. Her eyes were wide with childlike amazement, and her mouth opened with a POP!.

"It's no big deal. It's just like any other kitchen." Hikaru shrugged.

"Um, no, this is the size of my old high school's _gymnasium_. And that was hella big, man!"

"Whatever." Kaoru shrugged. "Take what you want."

"Sweet! Do you have any peanut butter?"

"Search for it." Hikaru said boredly.

"Hmph, fine." Rei said, and tried to stand on her tippytoes to reach the top pantry, then hopped up and down, dragged a chair and stretched her arms as far as they could go. She still couldn't reach.

"You're short, aren't you?" Hikaru sneered.

"No shit, Sherlock." Rei spat back, and they glared daggers at each other.

"C'mon, guys, calm down." Kaoru sweatdropped, and found the peanut butter, dropping it into Rei's outstretched hands.

"Thank you, Kaoru." Rei said with a smile.

Both looked surprised. "You can tell us apart now?"

"Well, duh." Rei smirked. "Kaoru's the nice one and Hikaru's a dickhead."

_Damn straight._

"Fernando." She warned.

"What did you just say?!" Hikaru yelled at her. Rei plugged her ears.

"Nooottthhhiiiinnnn…" Rei whistled innocently, then took a banana out, got a knife and unscrewed the lid of the peanut butter jar. Then, she slathered the entire outside of the banana in peanut butter.

Rei tore off a piece and stuck it halfway into her mouth before turning to the twins, holding out the peanut butter-covered banana in her hands like a proud child. "wwnnfff fffrrruuuummm?" (Translation: Want some?)

"Ew, no." They immediately said in disgust. "It looks so gross."

Rei swallowed and glared. "It is _not_! Stop judging things based on how they look!"

And then she shoved the remaining halves of banana into their mouths.

A few seconds passed, and then:

"Ffs shh fwrrd!" (Translation: This is good!)

"Exactly!" Rei grinned widely, licking her lips of the remaining peanut butter with bright, happy eyes. "So now you know to learn to try new things. Even if they look weird, they could be really tasty."

"Ah, master Kaoru? You have a call." A maid popped in.

"Okay, I'll be back in a sec." Kaoru said to his brother, walking out of the room. When the door clicked closed, Hikaru smirked and Rei gulped.

"So, even if they look weird, they could be tasty, huh?" He said with a mischievous gleam in his eye.

"Mhm." Rei replied, reaching for another banana. She was stopped by Hikaru pressing her against the fridge.

"You look pretty weird." Hikaru said with a grin. "Are you tasty, too?"

He leaned in…

And that's where we leave you dangling!~ ^^ Ohoho, we're _so_ evil, aren't we? Haha, sorry, readers, but we'll have to get at least **five reviews** for this chapter before we start working on the next one, so please do your part! **We would love to hear your feedback and/or suggestions!** :D Remember, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but llamas keep the creepers away, so when in doubt, ditch that piece of crap and grab you a llama, bitches!~ -winks with tongues out- Haha, once more: **R-E-V-I-E-W!~**

Yours randomly, insanely and (hopefully) awesomely?

-Miharu and Mitsuki


	5. Chapter 5: Mind Tricks

Ohmaigod, ohmaigod, OH. MAI. GOD!!! DX

You guuuuyyyysssss… ;//; You're all so amazingfullll…. ;.; So many reviews, author alerts/ subscriptions and story alerts/subscriptions… Seriously, we love you guys so much!~

So, it's that time again!~ ("Of the month?" No! XD) Haha, thanks so much to:

LilBallOfToixc

iLmaonadee

IxHatexYouxButxIxLovexYou

Livi-kunxXxChibi-chan 

Marionette Mia

PurpleSkye

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Funky Bracelet Chick 

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Chrimson fox

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Vinveri (ZOMG YAY YOU'RE BACK!~ X3 Our firsy reviewer!~ *U*)

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green tea machine

You guys equal EPIC WIN. You all get invisible miniature purple polka dotted llama-shaped tacos, because that is just the reward you get when you're so completely and totally awesome. X3 Love y'all!~

-Miharu and Mitsuki

Chapter Five:

He leaned in. She closed her eyes tight, expecting a kiss, but...

After a few moments of silence and tension, he put a long finger to her lips, teasing smile on his face.

"You actually thought I was gonna kiss you?" He laughed, and Rei's entire face turned a blotchy, unattractive red. "Sorry, but you'll have to work a _lot_ harder to make yourself attractive to me, Rei-pon."

"Ack!" Rei exclaimed as he flicked her forehead and backed off. An anger mark twitched on her forehead. "Hikaru… YOU HENTAI SON OF A--!"

"Heyy, what's with all the yelling here?" Tohru cut her friend off, peeking around the doorway with Kaoru following suit.

"ARGH! IMMA KILL JOO!" Rei screeched, strangling him.

"Oh my God, Rei, no!" Tohru yelled, and the twins thought that when she ran up and separated Rei from Hikaru she was genuinely concerned about him, but… "We can't afford a lawsuit!"

The twins fell anime-style, huge sweatdrops on their heads.

"Strangling could get messy," Tohru advised. "Use this," she stretched out a long rope with an evil smile, which Rei returned. "And we can make it look like he hung himself."

"Oh, Tohru, you are a _genius_." Rei cackled, and they both charged towards Hikaru, laughing maniacally.

"Hikaru…" Kaoru said seriously.

"Kaoru…" Hikaru replied, and the two took of sprinting down the halls.

"Whoa, what's going--?" Hikaru's mom started, but was ignored as Hikaru, Kaoru, Rei and Tohru ran past her, sending her hair blowing in the intense breeze their speed created. She smiled, flattening her hair with one perfectly manicured hand. "Well, as long as they're getting along, I guess it's fine."

"Kill him!" Rei hissed loudly, pouncing on Hikaru but missing and falling flat on her stomach. "Owww, the one room that _doesn't_ have carpetting, suuuurrreee…" She grumbled in pain.

"Rei, get up! We can't allow them to escape!" Tohru yelled, her face dead serious again.

"Right!" Rei nodded, determined, and hopped up. She scanned around in confusion. "Tohru… Where are the twins?"

Tohru looked around as well. "…Uhhhh…"

"TOHRU YOU IDIO—OH SHIT!" Rei yelled as Hikaru pushed her onto the floor and Kaoru did the same to Tohru. They looked up at the two snickering boys pointing at them in mocking.

"HEY!!" Tohru and Rei yelled.

"What?" The two said.

"…UMMMM… We didn't actually expect you to ask…" Rei trailed off uncertainly, looking over at Tohru.

"I got nothing, either. Sorry." Tohru shrugged calmly.

"How lame." Said Kaoru with a smirk, standing over Tohru with the air of someone who had just conquered Russia.

Tohru only then realised the position she and Rei were in, and took the time to scream:

"RAPE!"

"Eh?!" The twins panicked.

"H-Hey, keep it down!" Hikaru shushed them in anxiety, looking around to see if anyone had heard.

"RAPE!" Rei yelled the word louder than Tohru. "Why would we want to keep quiet and let you two do _that_?! PERVERTS! RAPISTS!"

Though the two yelled in panicked voices about rape, both had identical smirks on their faces as they looked up at the twins, who were running around in a panic.

"Oh crap! Mom'll kill us!" Kaoru yelled.

"Shut up, please!" Hikaru begged them.

"Hmm, what do we get out of it if we stop?" Tohru asked deviously, rubbing her hands together in anticipation.

"…" The twins froze in horror. It had all been an act?

By that point, Hikaru was boiling mad, and hissed in a dangerous tone: "How about we let you leave with your legs in tact."

"Ooh, that sounded terribly dirty, Hikaru." Rei giggled, then turned to the right. "Don't you agree, Fernando?"

_Tell him to get his hormones off mah bitch._

"Okay. Hikaru, Fernando says to get your hormones off his bitch—er, me, that is… I think."

_Damn straight_.

"Rei…" Hikaru said, losing patience. "Don't you think you're a little too _old_ to have _imaginary frie—_" Tohru's glare silenced him for a moment.

_Tell that man-bitch I'm not an imaginary friend._

"Okay. Fernando says he's not an imaginary friend, Hikaru. You _lie_." Rei stated calmly.

"Oh my God." Hikaru facepalmed, groaning. "There is something seriously wrong with you."

_Your face is what's wrong._

"Your face." Rei said lamely.

"What about it?" Hikaru asked flatly.

"It's… It's… Wrong? Fernando said it, not me." She replied.

Kaoru sweatdropped at the scene as he helped Tohru up, and Tohru wasn't sure, but she might have felt her heart skip a beat a little. She knew what this feeling was, she had seen it so many times before…

"OH MY GOD I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK! I _KNEW_ KYOYA WAS KIRA!" She gasped, clutching her heart. Kaoru's eyes widened.

It was a heart attack?

"What?! A heart attack?!" He panicked as Tohru slumped onto the couch. Wait a minute… Why was he feeling… Concerned? Uh-oh… This could only be…

"Don't get the wrong idea! I'm only helping you because I don't need a dead body in this house! Can you imagine the scandal?!" Kaoru said defensively.

Apparently, this feeling was self-preservation?

"Fernando said it, huh?" Hikaru deadpanned to Rei, who nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes, he's a genius, right?" She beamed.

_Yeah, bitch. I am._

"That's what I just said, right?" Rei asked Fernando.

_Tell Hikaru to shove it and steal some shit from his house before you leave._

"Fernando says I should tell you to shove it…" She turned to Fernando. "Shove it where?"

_Where _I _shove it in _you.

"Silly Fernando…" Rei giggled. "Hikaru doesn't have a vag—"

Tohru jolted up and covered Rei's mouth before she could finish the word. "Rei, if you say that word, the author would have to change the rating…"

"Oh, sorry." Rei apologised.

_Pfft, so _that's_ why the author doesn't talk about my sexiness…_

"Yes, yes, you're sexyfine, Fernando. Just don't get a big head about it."

_Speaking of "head"…_

"Whoa there, Fernando! We are _not_ talking about sex right now!" Rei yelled, jumping up from the floor. "There are ladies—Well, males and Tohru…" She smirked. "Present."

"Will you just cut it out?!" Hikaru snapped, and Rei's eyes widened. "Why are you always talking to dead air like it's _alive_?! There is _no such thing_ as Fernando the Alpaca, okay?! You're just screwed up enough in the mind to _think_ there is, and that's _sick_! No _normal _teenager goes around talking to imaginary llamas or alpacas or whatever! It's _freaky_! So why don't you do the world a favour and just stop being so childish as to make up a friend, because you obviously don't have any besides Tohru! I'll tell you again: Fernando. Does. _Not_. Exist!"

Tohru's eyes widened in horror. Kaoru gaped at his brother. Hikaru didn't care about their reactions, but as soon as his eyes shifted to Rei, he felt immediately disgusted with himself. There were big crocadile tears streaming down her face, her lower lip was trembling so badly her body shook along with it, her hands shuddered at her sides and her knees seemed like they would give in at any second.

"H-H-He d-d-d-d-does, H-h-h-h-ik-k-kar-r-r-u-u…" Rei stuttered between sobs, rubbing her face with her lower arms like a small child being told Santa wasn't real. "H-h-h-h-h… He e-e-x-x-x-i-s-s-sts-s-s… D-Do-Does-Doesn't h-h-he, To-t-t-t-Tohr-r-r-ru-u?" She turned to her friend desperately for the answer she sought, but Tohru did nothing but give her a sympathetic look, knowing she could not lie to Rei and say he was real. Tohru and anybody else sans Rei could not see, hear or touch him. How were they supposed to believe that Fernando was real, or even that Rei was in her right mind?

"H-H-he, h-he d-d-d-d-d-doe-es-s-s-s… R-r-r-r-ri-right?" Rei repeated, sobbing harder now, as she already knew the answer.

"Rei…" Tohru reached out to her, but Rei had already gotten her legs to start working again and ran noisily out of the house, crying and sputtering all the way away.

Tohru rounded on Hikaru, and he was shocked to see that she was not outwardly furious, but rather held the pent-up anger in with a single cold glance as she spat in a monotone:

"Why don't you just tell her that her parents were murdered by the Easter bunny, Hikaru?" And then she, too, stomped out, slamming the large doors behind her more loudly and angrily than anyone could describe or imitate.

"I really crapped things up, didn't I?" Hikaru said, looking at the floor. His brother was silent.

_Timeskip (The next day, after school)_

Sluuurrrpppp.

"Rei-kun, do you have any hobbies?" A girl who had designated Rei giggled, and Rei lowered the teacup from her lips to give the girl a charming if somewhat empty smile.

"Ah, yes. I adore sketching. So much so that apparently I get caught up in my imagination and make the characters seem all too real to me." Hikaru shivered and winced at the empty stare Rei had chosed to direct at him as she said this. She smiled weakly at the girls. "Or so I am told."

"I think the fact that you get so attached to the characters you draw is _wonderful_, Rei-kun." Another girl swooned.

"Would anyone like some more tea?" Tohru asked politely with a sophisticated smile at the ladies that made them turn red. They nodded.

"Ah, yes, thank you, Tohru." Rei said, but her voice cracked and she took the liberty to clear her throat, looking downcast.

As Tohru's retreating figure left their line of vision, the girls looked at Rei in concern.

"Rei-kun, are you alright?" One worried.

Rei smiled more weakly than before. "Yes, I'm fine…" But tears had welled up in the corners of her eyes and sparkled so fiercly that the girls couldn't bear to look away. "Oh, I'm so sorry, crying like this… I must seem so foolish to you ladies…" She rubbed her eyes gently, her eyes troubled. The girls squealed.

"No, not at all, Rei-kun!~"

"Actually, you look absolutely adorable like that!~"

"Well, thank you, I suppose…" Rei lowered her hands from her face. "I do apologize. I just… I had such a lovely dream last night… And when I awoke and found it to not be real… Well, sometimes it makes me sad to think as such…"

"Oh my, what was the dream, Rei-kun?" A girl smiled widely at Rei.

Rei smiled slightly. "Well, we were all sitting in this very room, all of you, and we were having such a wonderful time…" She smiled widely. "But I suppose… My dream has come true, now hasn't it?"

"Ohh, Rei-kun, you're so…" A girl swooned.

"Wonderful…~" Her fangirls choroused with dreamy sighs.

"Your tea." Tohru smiled and elegantly placed the teacups in front of them. "Ladies, tell me, was Rei regailing you with his tales of dreamlands and make believe?"

"Ahh, yes… You know each other so well…" Tohru's fangirls sighed with smiles.

"Well, we do love to create stories. I admit that I, too, have trouble differentiating between real and fairy tales, as well, sometimes. After all, there are so many princesses here, surely there must be a dragon lurking about…" The girls all scooted closer to her, as if for protection. "Haa, not to worry, if one is to come marching through this door even in the next second, I will not hesitate to put my own life on the line to protect you."

Sparkle, sparkle.

"EEEEEEEE!~" The fangirls of Tohru squealed.

"Tohru, ladies…" Rei piped up weakly, standing up suddenly. "W-Would it be alright if I went for a walk?"

"Ohhh, of course, Rei-kun." A fangirl said with soft eyes.

"You go right ahead."

"Thank you." Rei said, wobbling out of the room.

"Hikaru." Kaoru stated, and his brother turned over to look at him in surprise. "You should apologise."

"I'm… Going to get a drink!" Hikaru said loudly, jumping out of his seat and running out.

Kaoru smiled slightly. This was not unnoticed by Tohru, who simply stared at him for a moment and returned to her guests.

"Fernando?" Rei called out in a small voice, sounding like a lost little girl.

There was no reply. The air was stale with silence.

She tried again. "Fer-Fernando?" She called out louder.

Still nothing.

"No… But… He has to be real…!" Rei sobbed, running through the halls.

"Rei!" Hikaru yelled after the girl, and, upon the sound of his voice, Rei sped up into a sprint. "Rei! I'm sorry! Fernando's real, okay?! He's _real_!" Hikaru yelled, and Rei froze. When she whirled to face him, her face broke out in a goofy grin, and she flashed him the peace sign, sticking her tongue out.

"I know that, Hikaru. Bejeebus, you're so serious." She giggled.

"…Eh?" Hikaru's eyes widened.

"Heh, see, Tohru? I _knew _if I played my part right he'd apologize." Rei said, and Tohru came out of the shadows, smiling as well.

"Yeah, yeah. I owe you seventeen boxes of pocky." Tohru rolled her eyes. She turned to Hikaru, who was frozen in shock. "Eye drops." She explained, gesturing to Rei's tear-streaked face. "And some mad acting skills. They come in handy, right?" She grinned widely, and the two girls high-fived, skipping back to the club.

Hikaru was already planning his revenge…

Ohmahgodmuffins, what's he gon' do?! We dunno… XD But it shall be evil, yes it will… Definetly… XD Haha, sorry about the two-week wait for this chapter. See, we had to retake a science test this week 'cause Miharu got 47 percent and Mitsuki got 43 percent… XD So basically: Randomness: Epic Win, School: …Not so much. Anyhow, we know this one was short, but once again: science test. Brain trauma. Trees we ran into. Birds that attacked us. Need we say anymore?

Signed always randomly,

Miharu (the screentoned platypus) and Mitsuki (the radioactive llama)


	6. Chapter 6: Sparkle, sparkle, SWOON!

Z-Zomg. O.O Y-You guyssss!~ =w= *wibbles* You're all so awesomeeee!~ X3 We got, like, 8 reviews in the first day!~ :D Sankyuuuuu!~ All these reviewers and story favouriters (but especially reviewers XD) make our little hearts feel all warm and fuzzy insi--- OHMYGODHEARTATTACK! KIRAAA!!! DX 

Lol, we know we used that joke in the last chapter, but c'mon, death note references never get old… Do they? *small voices* ;.; Lmao, we're glad that the list of people to thank is growing, but, hehe, what if one day it takes up the whole page? Lmao. BUT STILL REVIEW AND EVERYTHING!!! OoO Oh, and by the way, if anyone was wondering about our one-and-a-half month absence from and all, long story short, Mitsu-chan got grounded for a month, and Miha-chan didn't feel like doing work without Mitsu-chan to nag her. (She's the one who manages to get Miha-chan to actually write and get this shit up on time, so you can imagine the chaos of it all for a month of Miharu's procrastination… -.-;) Anyhow, sankyuu toooo:

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And now, onto the chapter!~ :)

-Miharu&Mitsuki

Chapter Six:

Remember how Hikaru was going to exact his revenge?

Yeah, well… That kind of burst into the Flames of Failure.

See, remember Tohru's period? Yeah, that makes her extra pissed about _everything_. She once hit a boy over the head with a sledgehammer because he asked her for a pencil. So you can imagine how she reacted to the twins trying to prank her and Rei.

They are currently hanging on the flagpole for their mistake.

"Er," Tamaki started towards the redhead calmly sipping tea and chatting up the blushing guests calmly. "Tohru, where are Hikaru and Kaoru?"

Tohru set down her teacup and smiled icily at Tamaki. He flinched back a little. "Are you insinuating that _I_ had anything to do with the twins' sudden absence? I am deeply insulted." She took a deep breath, smiling more amusedly now. "They may be on the roof, er, _hanging out_."

And, sure enough, when the hosts went outside and looked up, they did indeed see the twins dangling from the flagpole.

"Hikaru! Kaoru!" Rei said in innocent surprise. "However did you two get up _there_?"

"Cut the crap!" Hikaru hissed. "It was you and Tohru who did this!"

A crowd started to gather, squealing in shock, confusion, worry and dumbness. Tamaki whirled to Rei and Tohru, glaring.

"Is that true? Did you two do this to Hikaru and Kaoru?!" He yelled. And… Dramatic finger point!

The triumphant smirks sent to Rei and Tohru from the twins seemed to clearly say, "_Hah, let's see you try to get out of _this one_."_

_Crafty, Hikaru, veerrrryyy crafty…_ Tohru nodded to him, in deep thought. _With a crowd like this and you two as the obvious victims, we look so guilty (and we are) that everyone will start to dislike us. They're more inclined to believe you, two people they've known for years, than two transfer students that they know next to nothing about. Well played, indeed._

_Ohhh, Tohru's thinking face,_ Rei thought intensely. _I hope she's got a plan to get us out of _this_ shit…!_

"Well?!" Tamaki shouted. "Did you two do this to Hikaru and Kaoru?!"

The two were silent, and then suddenly, like a jolt of lightning coursing through her brain, Tohru was struck with realisation.

_Oh…!_ Her inner self gasped. _We may seem like the bad guys now, but if we _turn it around_, then…!! Yeah!_

_Tohru… What could you possibly be thinking?!_ Rei inwardly panicked as she looked over calmly at the girl. _Now's not the time to get lost in thought!_

Tohru's eyes cut to Rei sharply, in a way that Rei hadn't seen in years. Not since the "broken vase, wild chimpanzee, cake-covered walls" incident. With a flicker of intuition, Tohru sent Rei a firm message with her blue eyes.

_Just follow my lead._

Tears welled up in Tohru's eyes, and she quivered under Tamaki's glare, which in turn caused the blonde to flinch, easily affected by the redhead's quiet sobs.

"W-W-W-e did, b-but…" Tohru sniffled, her eyes on the ground. Her eyes flickered to Rei, already crying, and the brown-haired girl nodded.

_Rei! Go!_

_Gotcha!_ Rei said in her mind, and began her part.

"H-Hikaru and K-K-Ka-Kaoru-san were gonna… Gonna…"

"What? What were they going to do?!" Tamaki cried in alarm at the sudden waterworks from the two.

"I-It's too horrible to say!!!" They wailed in unison, falling to the ground on their knees and sobbing with their arms covering their eyes. "No, no, no! D-Don't wannaaaaaaa!" They wailed louder.

And, just like that, the tables had turned, and everyone turned to stare at the twins in shock, and, in Tamaki's case, anger.

"What were you horrible twins gonna do to them, huh?! You're terrible, look what you've done!" Tamaki yelled. Dramatic finger point number two.

"They're lying, milord!" Kaoru yelled back, and Tamaki faltered, turning back to stare at Rei and Tohru in confusion.

Rei lifted her head from her hands, lower lip trembling, eyes watering. "R-Rei and Tohru are scared…" she quivered, and then, as the finishing blow to him, she said, in the smallest voice, "Daddy."

Tamaki was instantly on their side one hundred percent.

And the rest, my friends, is the story for a different day. Suffice to say, the aftermath involved Mori, a broken stick, an empty soda can, a hobo and a few of Kyoya's private police.

And they dragged Kaoru and Hikaru's dead bodies off into the St. Lawrence River, and nobody ever talked about that day again.

THE END.

HAHA! We scared you didn't we?! If not for the whole, "Hikaru and Kaoru die" thing, then at least with the, "THE END" part, right? Hehe, you were all thinking, "Whut?! Nowayzzz! Those bitches only wrote six and a half chapters, those douchenozzlelollipopshitbags!!!11463!!"

Anyhow, let's get back to the real story, only two days later…

Hikaru and Kaoru glared relentlessly at Rei and Tohru from their barred prison from the distant corner of the third music room. The sign glued onto the bars? "SEX OFFENDERS. DO NOT FEED."

"So, Rei, what do you like to draw?" RF1 (Rei. Fangirl. 1.) asked with a giggle.

Rei perked up in her seat, beaming widely. "Well, my best work is in manga-style, but I do some abstract and realism when the mood strikes me, and—" And she started chatting away nonstop, the girls smiling at "his" childlike enthusiasm. "Ah!" Rei gasped, and smiled apologetically. "I'm so sorry, I'm boring you ladies, aren't I?"

The ladies had a look on their faces to suggest that it was exactly the opposite. They were most definitely in lala land.

"Aww, Rei-kun, you're so enthusiastic about drawing…" One sighed dreamily, faraway smile in place.

"Yes, yes, it would be wonderful if you would draw something for us…" Another swooned.

"Oh? Sure! I'd love to!" Big smile. Swoons. "Please give me a few days, then, and I'll make something amazing!"

"Suuurrreeeee…~" They smiled widely. Lalalalala…!~ LA LA LANDDDDDDDD! :)

Meanwhile, in between guests, Tohru was finishing off the first chapter of her novel.

_And as the cold steel revolver pressed against her back, Kat knew that she had to think quickly to escape this cruel fate. With a flick of her wrist and a bump of her hips, she whirled to face her opponent, 40-caliber Glock in hand. It was a deadlock. Both guns pointed at each other, the two wondered idly which one would be first to pull the trigger. Kat's masked assailant took off his hood and the mask in one smooth movement with his empty hand, and she gasped. _

"_No, no it couldn't be--!!" Kat gasped in anguish._

_Because standing before her, in all his handsome glory, was_

Tohru paused on the page, grimacing. She drew back from her hunched-over position on the notebook. Writer's block had come and stolen her climax of the chapter. It left her without a proper ending or cliff hanger to branch off into the next chapter, the next part of the adventure.

Damn it, it pissed her off! Who should it be? A brother, a father, a cousin, a friend?

No, no, no! That was dry, stale thinking…

"Arrrghhhhh….." Tohru groaned, head cradled in her hands. All this thick silence was just about killing her. It was as if her mind were a computer, and all of the files had been erased…

"Tohru-san? Is something wrong?" Asked a nervous voice, and she turned to see her next guests grouped together awkwardly, looking worried.

"Oh, no, sorry. I just lost my train of thought." He smiled weakly, shutting the book and gesturing to the empty seats around him. "Please, sit down, ladies." They smiled, and did so. Meanwhile, Rei's dark eyes were watching nervously.

"Tohru…" Rei muttered, expression worried. "Is usually not this tense. This isn't just writer's block…"

"I'm sorry?" Asked one of Rei's guests, and Rei jumped, turning back to them with another of her apologetic smiles.

"No, I'm sorry, it's nothing. I was just thinking…" She paused, searching for an excuse. "How the lighting only illuminates your pretty faces more." Sparkle, sparkle. Swoon!~

The girls seemed to believe that weak excuse, but Hikaru and Kaoru, who were watching both Rei and Tohru, were not fooled one bit. Somehow, as if to break the tense atmosphere, Renge appeared from her twirling motor-balcony thing, laughing insanely.

"Ohohohoho!" She giggled, and pointed at Rei and Tohru. "I was _right_! You_ are_ hosts!" She said, as if she had just predicted something amazing instead of pointing out the obvious.

"Heh, um, yeah?" Rei said in a questioning tone, smiling confusedly, and Renge hopped down to the floor, skipping towards Rei.

"Hmmm," She said, dragging Rei and Tohru into standing positions and surveying them closely from top to bottom, back to front. "I see, I see… Yes! I've got it!" She cheered, and pointed at them again, oblivious to the fact that all eyes were on them. "Fujiwara-kun! You're taller than Matsuo-kun, and more mature, so you will be the overprotective, coolheaded older brother type that says things in a strong, attractive voice, and Matsuo-kun, since you're shorter, you will be the naïve, energetic younger brother type that says everything with an innocent outlook in mind!" She finished, triumphantly letting out a few breaths, huffing after her extended sentence.

"Ehhh?" Rei said quizzically, tilting her head to one side with a confused expression on her face.

"That's great!" Renge flicked two thumbs up, then turned to Tohru, grinning expectantly.

"Rei," Tohru said, and Renge gulped in anticipation of Tohru's "cool older brother" line. "I think this girl is mentally unstable."

An anger mark twitched on Renge's forehead, and before anyone knew it, she was chasing after the orange-haired boy-girl with medusa-hair flying behind her.

"MENTALLY UNSTABLE?! THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAY! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HUG MATSUO-KUN CLOSE AND MURMUR SWEET NOTHINGS INTO HIS EAR!!!" She hissed loudly, and the hosts sweatdropped.

"It's been a while… Since Renge was so worked up like this…" Tamaki said with a nervous expression.

Haruhi sighed, shuffling off. "I'm going to buy some more coffee." While mumbling under her breath about something or other in a very Haruhi-like manner. She opened the door, but bumped into someone ever so slightly. She looked up and apologized quietly. "I'm sorry, sir…"

"No prob." Chirped a masculine voice, and Rei and Tohru froze, whirling around mechanically.

"No way…" The two breathed. "TAI?!"

Oh hells yes cliffhanger, bitches! XD Mwahahahaha!~ If you wanna know who Tai is and what connection he has to Rei and Tohru, you're going to have to review!~ Give us at least five reviews or we won't start writing the chapter!~ Naw, just kidding, but reviews would be nice… They'd motivate us a LOT… Seriously guys, you have no idea how happy your reviews make us, even if they're only two words long. We promise to reply to them ASAP, so… REVIEW? .//. :D

Hugs n kisses n rape—I mean love,

-Miharu and Mitsuki


	7. Chapter 7: There Will Be Angst!

Hey hey everyone!~ How are we doing this wonderful, magically delicious (lucky charms lol) morning/afternoon/evening/night?! Hope you're all good! Anyhow, onto the next thing. Thanks a million to: 

SectorSubjector

DeathMuncherWithaSideOfCrazy

Kanda Yu

kagaminehatsune

scrockangel

MaroThePanda

innocentrini

ellieorchid

XXThe wish GranterXX 

1WordImagination

Yoru Inu

YagamiNeko 

The Eccentric Otaku

Evakii

Funky Bracelet Chick

blackcatspath12

MangoTango450

Princess-Lazy-Chan

Cocoasit

XxBreakingxxPointxX

xDazzledxPandax

MadHatter Kaz

Yayness, awesome people!~ -hands out giant, Hikaru and Kaoru-shaped cookies and evilly rips off their heads. Well anyhow, on with the story? :D

-Miharu and Mitsuki

Chapter Seven:

"TAI!" Rei yelled in surprise, grinning wide and running over to him. He smiled back just as cheerily and waved.

"Rei-_kun_," He smirked at the honorific. "How are things going here?"

Rei looked over at Tohru, hesitant, and Tohru made a signal. Suddenly, all three were speaking French.

"Tai!" Tohru exclaimed. "Que faites-vous ici ?!"

"Que, je ne peux pas visiter mes deux meilleurs amis dans le monde ?" Tai replied, looking mockingly indignant.

"Vous pouvez... Mais ce n'est pas pourquoi vous êtes ici, n'est-ce pas ?" Tohru said in a challenging tone.

"Ahh, vous m'avez reçu. J'ai voulu apprendre si vous les gars me devez déjà les réserves d'une année de pocky. Vous vous souvenez de notre pari, n'est-ce pas ?" Tai smirked again, brushing his golden blond hair out of his face, brown eyes taunting now.

"Fait taire, blondie. Ne parlez pas de l'opinion ici!" Rei yelled scoldingly.

"Pourquoi non ? Il ne ressemble à personne ici parle le français, en tout cas. Ils ressemblent à un bouquet d'idiots, à moi. Ainsi avez-vous fait une gaffe encore ?" Tai said with a shrug and a nonchalant gesture to the crowd surrounding them, squealing in bliss.

"Non. Pourquoi nous ? Nous ne sommes pas des bordels importants, à la différence de vous, Tai." Tohru said coolly.

"Ceux-là sont des mots durs, Tohru. Et après que votre bon ami est venu toute cette façon de vous surveiller. Bien, plus spécialement, pour surveiller peu de Rei ici." Tai complained.

"NE MOI APPELEZ PAS COURT, LA PERCHE!" Rei yelled in a defensive tone, her cheeks reddening.

"Perche ? Si je suis une perche, donc vous devez être une pousse de haricot, Rei-pon." Tai teased, and flicked Rei's forehead.

"FERMÉ LE BOUCHE!" Rei screeched, chasing Tai around the room.

Unbeknownst to them, there _was _someone in the room who could speak French—Tamaki. And so, with a confused look, he asked,

"Bet? What bet?"

The three friends froze in place.

"You… Speak French?" They said at the same time.

"Tama-chan is half-French!" Hunny piped up cheerily, waving a forkful of cake in Tamaki's direction before hurriedly shoving it into his mouth happily.

"No bet." Tohru hurriedly said. "You must have misheard."

"…Oh." Said the gullible Tamaki, and the trio of Canadians sighed in relief inwardly at his naivety.

"They're so obviously lying, milord." Hikaru deadpanned, having finally picked the lock to release him and his twin from the "sex offenders" cage. It was surprisingly easy… Probably because it was never locked in the first place. So how Hikaru picked a lock that did not exist is a profound mystery, indeed…

Anyhow, on with the story.

"Whaaa?" Tamaki droned stupidly, turning back to Rei, Tohru and Tai with betrayed, puppy dog eyes.

"**Stop that,"** Tai deadpanned in English by accident. **"It's not cute, ugly."**

An insult arrow struck Tamaki right through the heart, (though he didn't know what the boy had said, it sounded like an insult) and he stumbled to the corner, crumpling into the fetal position, cultivating his mushrooms.

Tai laughed as Kyoya ushered all of the nervous girls out of the club, smiling politely and saying that club had to close up early and apologizing through gritted teeth. As the door closed after the last disappointed girl left, Kyoya turned to Tai with an icy smile that sent shivers down everyone's spines.

"So, Mr. Ishiguro, was it?" The glasses-clad host asked, and Tai shivered.

He leaned over to whisper to Rei. "H-How does he know my name?"

"H-He has the shinigami eyes, I think…" Rei stuttered back.

"I would appreciate it if you did not interfere with our club during its business hours." Kyoya smiled coldly. "So, clearly you aren't a student here, right?"

"N-n-no…" Tai said sacredly, edging towards the door slowly.

"Well, since you've just cost us roughly 300,000 yen with your little invasion to this club, causing the guests to leave, surely you must be prepared to pay off your debt, correct?" A smile, an evil glare flashing from the glass of his spectacles.

"P-pay off? B-b-but, I spent all of my money on the plane ticket here!" He whined.

"Oh? Then you won't be going back to your country for a while. To pay off your debt, you'll become the errand boy." Tamaki smirked in an out of character way. (Sort of like in the first episode when he says something along the lines of this to Haruhi…)

Tai had little chibi tears coming out of his eyes, sniffling pathetically. "B-b-but--! I dun wanna workkkkk!" He wailed.

"Augh! What a loudmouth!" Hikaru yelled, plugging his ears obnoxiously.

"Shut up, Hikaru! Don't diss my magically delicious friend Tai! Only I'm allowed to—OOF!" Rei yelled at the twin, but was cut off as Tai wrapped his arms around her shoulders and plopped his chin on the top of her head.

"Aww, you _do_ love me…" He cooed to her, and Rei rolled her eyes. Suddenly, he smirked. "Ohh, and magically delicious, Rei-pon? Did you happen to taste me while I wasn't pay attention?" He asked, and Rei reddened.

"I—I didn't mean it like that, you perv!" She yelled, embarrassed, and detached herself from him, grabbing Tohru to stand between them.

"Rei, you should have seen that coming."

"Rrr…" She grumbled stupidly, and pouted cutely. "Everyone's on his side…"

"Aww, I can't help it, Rei. I'm sorry, I'm just too loveable for my own good." He smiled.

"Pff, narcissist much?" Rei deadpanned, and Tai retreated to Tamaki's emo corner, pulling out the mushrooms growing there and tossing them in a basket.

"She just doesn't understand, … She's far too young…"

"You're only six months older than me!" She snapped.

The host club, meanwhile, was watching the show with identical sweatdrops.

"Ne, ne," Hunny interjected gently. "Are Rei-chan and Tai-chan gay?"

The two bickering teens immediately froze, Rei looking awkward, Tai blushing heavily.

"OF COURSE NOT!" They yelled at the same time.

"I like the opposite gender!" Rei yelled. Hikaru smirked at this; what an obvious way to avoid saying that she was straight.

"I… Like women! But Rei, too." He smirked, mussing her hair. The host club took this entirely differently than Rei, who knew what the real meaning of his speech was.

**"You stupid jerk!"** She yelled in English. **"Just what are you trying to say?!"**

"**Not much," **Tai retaliated with a smirk. **"Just that… Women usually have **_**breasts**_**, don't they?"**

Hikaru watched, partially amused, partially annoyed, as even more colour flooded to her cheeks at her blond, half-Canadian, half-Japanese friend's comment.

"OOOH! I AM GONNA _KILL_ YOU, TAI!! HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME?! HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SPURNED!" She screamed, jumping on his back and pulling on his hair savagely.

"…No fury like a… WOMAN?" Tamaki repeated, wide-eyed.

"…SHIT." Rei cussed, frozen on Tai's back.

"Rei, you flippin' idiot…!" Tohru moaned, smacking her own forehead and mussing her orange hair in frustration with her friend's retardedness.

"I think you'd better explain!" Tamaki said sharply, crossing his arms over his chest, huffing in indignation.

"Oooh, you're screwed, Tohru and Rei…" Tai grinned hugely. "?!!!" He gasped as Rei shoved him into the "sex offenders" cage and locked the invisible lock. "Noo! I'm innocent, I tell ya, innocent!" He said mockingly, shaking the bars with a pitiful expression.

As this was going on, Tohru had seated herself on the couch and began to spin the tale of the practical, ginger-haired girl and her psychotic, spastic best friend, and the bet they made…

O N E H O U R L A T E R . . .

"Do you realise how much trouble you could get in if you are ever found out?" Tamaki asked them with a halfhearted glare.

Tohru's eyes flashed, and she smirked, crossing her arms across her chest and leaning back into the cushy, red velvet sofa. (Ooh, classy. Lol) "Ohh, you won't tell anyone, though."

"What do you mean? You seem so certain." Kyoya retorted coolly.

"Yeah, Tohru! Do you mean to say…" Rei smirked sadistically and held up a gleaming axe stained with red. " 'Dead men tell no tales' ?"

The hosts all shivered with 'WTF?!' faces, (Excluding Kyoya and Mori, of course…) and backed away. Hikaru then stepped forward after a long pause, grabbing the axe from Rei and snorting.

"_Wow_," He said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "It's rubber. I'm _sooo_ scared."

"_I seriously wanna kill that dick"._ Said Fernando.

"Patience, Fernando. Our time will come…" She whispered to her left creepily.

"Seriously, what is _wrong _with you?" Hikaru mumbled.

"No, Rei. I was thinking more along the lines of… Haruhi." Tohru said, and with that one name, the hosts all froze and glared at her. Tohru gazed disinterestedly at her fingernails, unaffected by the swirls of rage coming from the men. "_He_ is actually a _she_, is she not? It'd be a shame if the natural of your host club was exposed as a female in front of all of the school in an, ahem, _unfortunate accide--_!!!"

She gasped as Tamaki lurched forward, grabbing her by the collar of her shirt and hoisting her into the air, glaring viciously, apparently having forgotten that the ginger was, in fact, a girl. The rest of the hosts' eyes widened in shock.

"I swear, if you do _anything_ that would put Haruhi in an uncomfortable position, I will not be accountable for my actions!" He hissed to the now terrified Tohru, who was struggling for air.

"Milord!!!" Kaoru yelled, jumping over the sofa from behind it and yanking Tohru from Tamaki, looking distressed. "Stop it, you don't know what you're doing! Snap out of it!"

Finally, Tamaki came back to reality after a few minutes of Kaoru's voice, and he bowed his head, bangs covering his face.

"Sorry. I think… I should leave…" He muttered, and walked out the door, for once, silently.

As the door shut once more, the host club (sans Tamaki and Kaoru) turned to glare at Tohru, who was shaking slightly under the glare.

"STOP THAT!" Yelled Rei, startling them all to look over to her. "She was just joking, lay off my friend!"

"Rei… No." Tohru shook her head, flinching with a guilty expression. "I took it too far." She said, bowing her head to hide her face. She took a deep inhale of air that sounded like a sob. "Sorry…" She gasped, running out of the room.

"Toh--!" Rei yelled, about to run after her, but Kyoya stopped her with his ever-monotonous voice.

"Mr. Matsuo, I think it would be best if you and Mr. Fujiwara refrained from returning to this club for at least a week, and also, do not speak to any members unnecessarily. Pass that along to your friend, as well."

Rei quaked pathetically, Hunny and the twins noted with a slight tinge of pity.

"It's happening again…" She said, her voice trembling, just like her body. She sobbed. "Why—Is it—Happ---Again?!" She practically screamed, turning on her heel and sprinting out before anyone could scream for her to come back.

"R-Rei-chan and Toh-chan looked really sad, guys…" Hunny whimpered, looking extremely guilty with teary eyes.

Mori nodded. "Ah."

Suddenly, the hosts went rigid. Why, you ask? Well, because there was a figure standing behind them whose aura was radiating waves of unadulterated fury at the group of exceedingly handsome men. They whirled around. Tai. They had completely forgotten he was there.

"Fucking bastards." He spat at them. "FUCKING. MADE. REI. _CRY._" He cracked his knuckles. "Must have a fucking death wish." He turned on his heel, but not before sending one last venomous glare their way and stomping out, muttering. "Glad I have more important things to deal with…"

"What… Was that?!" Hikaru said, his eyes wide.

"Hmm, something's going on…" Kyoya observed.

And from Fernando's place in the corner of the room, he snorted.

"_No shit, Sherlock."_

Phew! That was LONG. AS. FUCK. Do you know how long it took to write that shit? Our fingers'll be bleeding for days… But it's okay, because we bleed for you!~ -makes kissy faces at very creeped-out readers- ~Keep bleedin', keep, keep bleedin' love!~ (Song reference in the middle of speech FTW!

…Say, ever noticed that WTF (What the fuck) is FTW (for the win) backwards? So whenever you say "WTF", keep in mind that you are also, via letter scrambling, saying that it is epic win.

But enough about that. You know what to do, readers. If you have a comment, suggestion or opinion for this chapter, (or just want to give us some love, which is awesome, too, trust us. We love you for it. ;D) please do the right thing to save orphans' lives and help cure cancer (but not really), and…

R E V I E W ! ! ! ~

Yours lovingly and randomly, 

-Miharu the chainsaw murderer with awesome socks and Mitsuki the super racist with the best gang of ninjas in the world.


	8. Chapter 8: Apologies and Recollections

**We know, we know… "WTFBBQ you bitchez haven't updated in months!" –sigh- we're sorry, okay? It's been a busy couple o' months, so please, just enjoy the chapter we have for you and cut us a break? –puppy eyes and pouts- Bwahaha, you were actually pitying us before, weren't you? 'Cause we sounded so tired and mature, are we right? –shot dead by readers- Anyhow, here, have a chapter!~**

Chapter Eight:

It had been an odd week, to say the least.

"Hikaru, this is seriously starting to creep me out." Kaoru whispered to his brother as Rei and Tohru's blank stares sent chills down his spine.

"You're not alone on that one, Kaoru. This is definitely weird. They haven't said a word since the incident. All they do is… stare." Hikaru deadpanned, his eyes quickly darting to Rei and Tohru, and then away from them with a grimace.

"What are they even _doing_? I mean, besides staring? I'm getting the feeling that they're trying to curse us or something…"

"Ugh, don't say that, please. Their staring is creepy enough."

"Agreed."

"…"

"…But seriously, I think they're murdering us with their eyes."

BRIIIINNNGGGG!

Fifth period came at last, the twins' saviour. They didn't have fifth period with either of those psychos, thank the sweet, merciful lord. Even if they didn't have this class with them, however, the twins were still dwelling on those two and their odd behaviour. The day they were "banished", so to speak, from the host club was Tuesday, and today was Saturday. **(We think in Japan they have school on every day but Sunday, but we could be wrong…)** It had been only four days, but somehow it felt much longer, especially in the club, which was now painfully boring without the two spazzing out or challenging them in a twincest vs. friendcest battle.

"Hikaru!" Kaoru whispered to his brother, frantically shaking Hikaru's arm. Hikaru's eyes focused on the direction in which Kaoru's finger was pointing, out the window, and his eyes widened.

"What the--?!" Hikaru whispered under his breath as, from the window, he saw an unmistakeable pair crazy crossdressers skateboarding towards the school, bags in each hand.

"Oh god, Hikaru, what's in those bags?" Kaoru said in horror.

"I don't know, Kaoru, I don't know… But I sure as hell don't want to find out, either…" Hikaru said.

…

They shivered.

MEANWHILE…

"Ginger-Ninja, can you hear me? I repeat, Ginger-Ninja, can you hear me?" Rei said into her headset, crouched behind a potted plant with ninja-like stealth.

"Rei, I'm right beside you." Tohru said into her headset, rolling her eyes. And, true to her word, Tohru peeked out from behind a plant beside Rei's.

"Who is this Rei you speak of?" Rei asked blankly.

"Rei, seriously—" Tohru said with a sigh.

"That's not my name…. Heyy! They call me girl, they call me Stacey, they call me her, they call me Jane--" Rei sang dangerously off-tune.

"Rei, please shut u—"

"That's not my name! That's not my name! That's not my name! That's not my… Name! They call me qu—" Rei continued to sing, until Tohru facepalmed.

"Okay, okay! I read you loud and clear… Chuck Norris." Tohru sighed in defeat, and Rei immediately stopped singing and beamed at Tohru.

"Excellent! Ginger Ninja, just stay put 'till I give the signal, and—"

"Wait, what signal?" Tohru asked, confused.

"You know, that one we had… That one time… With those people with those eyebrows and faces…" Rei said vaguely. Tohru resisted the urge to facepalm once again.

"Chuck Norris, just shut up. When the coast is clear, just wink." Tohru sighed again.

"Okeydokey artichokey!" Rei winked, then widened her eyes. "Wait---That didn't count!"

"I know. _Please_, just leave." Tohru rolled her eyes, pushing her friend out from behind the potted plant and into the empty halls. After all, every other normal, sane student was in class right now.

Wait a second, you're thinking, then why were they hiding behind potted plants?

What, is there a rule now that two crossdressing weirdoes can't hang out behind a ficus?

Moving on… Rei, with all the quietness of a mute person, slinked casually through the hall, looking for just the right room… The bags she clutched in her hands made a slight crumpling noise as she walked. That was the only sound those hollow halls could bounce off the walls. Finally, Rei reached her destination.

"Ginger Ninja, do you read me? I repeat, do you read me? I've found the target, I repeat, I have found the target." Rei whispered into the headpiece.

"Aye aye, Chuck Norris. I read you loud and clear." Tohru replied coolly. "Enter with caution. We never know what sort of horrid dangers lurk behind those pink doors…"

"Ew. Pink." Rei muttered as she pushed the doors open. "Coast is clear. Follow me." She said, and Tohru popped out from behind the tree, tiptoed down the hall and joined Rei in the room of doom and gloom.

…Hey, it rhymed, didn't it?

Slowly, the two dug into the dozen bags they had brought with them, and began their work, hearts thudding with new-found adrenaline, fingers tinted with grey and red.

Tick, tock, tick, tock… The hands on the clock just kept going and going because, despite the fact that someone may not be able to keep track of it while unconscious, time still passes. Today was a perfect example, though the seven people were unaware of this philosophy, unlike the two on the other side of that door.

BRIIINNNNGGG!

The final bell rang for the day, its annoying sound almost tingling off the wall in waves and irritating the ears of all with clouded minds. The host club opened the door, expecting to see the usual setup of gorgeous tables and chairs, roses and other such things. However, white spread across every wall, every floor, and every surface. Beautiful flowers, swans and cranes decorated each of the tables in a graceful display, and sheets that looked like they had been carefully ripped out of many a sketchbook became the room's wallpaper and carpet. All eyes widened, scanning around the room. Then, the eyes focused. On every other sheet of sketchbook paper, there was a detailed sketch of them. Hikaru, Kaoru, Tamaki, Kyoya, Haruhi, Hunny, Mori... They were all the subjects of hundreds of detailed, stunningly accurate sketches. Each new expression, style of shading, style of drawing, each carefully orchestrated sketch surprised them anew. On the other half of the hundreds of sheets had words thickly but neatly written on them, taking up the whole page with gorgeous calligraphy and brush strokes.

"Gomenasai, Sorry, Lo Siento, Je Suis Desole, Prastee meenya pozhalosta." The list of odd, sometimes intangible words continued to grow as they gazed at the alien words, and just as they were wondering who had done all of this, their eyes rested upon the furthermost corner of the room away from them.

There they were, snoring lightly, curled up in a ball hugging folded paper and paperless sketchpads to their chests, papercuts on their fingers, bandaids on their arms and ink and lead smudged on the outside of their hands. It was Rei and Tohru. Kyoya leaned down slightly to stare at the small, written message on each of the plentiful supply of sketches.

"We're really sorry. And, well, they say a picture is worth a thousand words. Keep the change."

"They…" Haruhi blinked. "They haven't been in school all week. Don't tell me this is what they've been doing...? More importantly, what are they apologizing for?" Haruhi looked at the rest of the club, who seemed to have stubbornly avoided the subject to keep from causing Haruhi grief.

"No, not the waffles, Pedro! For God's sake, not the… waffles…" Rei muttered in her sleep, spazzing, before jerking upright, rubbing her eyes, and staring, wide-eyed at the host club.

"Ah!" Rei exclaimed softly, looking up at the hosts and shaking Tohru awake. Blink, blink. The two got up and slowly shuffled their feet over to the hosts.

"Uhm…" Rei coughed, looking down. "Well, um…. I think I left the refrigerator door open! See you!" She yelled, and sped off, leaving a sweatdropping host club and sad-looking Tohru behind.

"Ah, she's still upset about this…" Tohru said softly.

"What do you mean by that?" Kyoya asked, voice and face impassive. Tohru jumped, as if she had forgotten that they were there. She took a deep breath in, as if bracing herself.

"Alright. I suppose I should give you a proper explanation for Rei's odd behavior in reaction to this whole ordeal…" She said, eyes downcast. "Where to start… Alright, so…"

_It started in grade six. _

"_Class, this is Rei Fujiwara." The teacher drawled boredly in English, and the short Asian girl with dark brown eyes and messy, long brown hair bowed respectfully out of habit. She forgot that in Canada you didn't do that._

"_It's nice to meet you. I'm Rei, and I hope we can be friends…" Rei said with a big smile. The class was quiet. No one seemed to be considering Rei's suggestion. It was January, practically halfway through the school year. All of the cliques had been established already, so it was as if Rei was just some brain-dead fly on the wall, buzzing around for a place to land._

_Weeks passed, and still no one took her up on the offer. Every day, Rei would shyly ask if she could join a group of girls or boys, and every time, she was lured in and deceived by the sweet smiles, cheery voices and warmness of the group, only to have her hopes trampled. It would start with a signal. One of them would get up, claiming to need to 'go to the washroom' or 'return a book to the library', and suddenly, these actions took several people. The remaining few, seeing that Rei had been once more deemed 'uncool' by their 'superiors', made up their transparent excuses and left her, too. Every time, Rei would tag along like a loyal puppy. Every time, they would find some way to ditch her._

_It was March when the first unfourtunate occurrence happened. She was in a dingy stall in the girl's bathroom, just finishing up some business, when she heard the voices of those 'nice' and 'kindly' girls from the previous day. The ones who had claimed to be 'busy, regrettably' that very day. She stopped, out of pure instinct, hidden behind the stall's four walls._

"_God, that new girl sure is annoying." She heard Jenna say snidely, in a voice that was very unlike her. The Jenna she knew had always had a slightly tired, patient smile with her, right before she left on yet another 'errand'. Rei shook her head stubbornly. It couldn't have been Jenna who was talking. And yet, when she looked through the crack in the stall's door, lo and behold, it was Jenna. Next, Rei tried to convince herself that it was another new girl she was talking about. One in the other sixth grade class, one who was mean and bullied her friends. Surely Jenna was the angel of justice Rei had imagined her as, right?  
_

_Wrong. Next, it was kindly Cassidy who spoke, with the same loud, snooty whisper. "The way she talks is so annoying. She can't even say 'L' right. God, it's like talking to a retard."_

_A chorus of laughs. A trigger pulled. An imaginary bullet pierced straight into Rei's heart. _

"_Yeah, and, like, I wonder when she's gonna get the hint that nobody even wants her around." Snickered the shy, reserved Teresa. _

_BRIINNNGGG! The final bell announced the three's exit._

"_C'mon, let's get outta here. And make sure that annoying dog isn't following us." Ordered Jenna, and through the crack in the wall, Rei saw them sway gracefully out of the bathroom. _

_Tears pricked her eyes like needles, and she let out sad, whiny gasps and sobs, burying her face in her hands and crying her heart out in the bathroom stall. After half an hour, Rei wiped her face with her shirt's sleeves and exited the bathroom. Yet somehow…_

_  
"No, come on…" She mumbled shakily to herself as more tears began to spill out. _

"_Hey, kiddo, what's up with you?" She heard a low, male voice. And she looked around, dabbing her tears furiously under her fingers. Who was talking to her? Where were they? That was the problem. The voice seemed to be emanating from every direction. _

_And then, her eyes adjusted._

"_Who—No, what… Are you?" Rei whispered lightly, eyes wide with childlike shock._

_He paused, as if considering the question, and then, he spoke, "The name's Fernando. Fernando the Alpaca." _


	9. Chapter 9: Tears

**Whoa… You guys are great… ;_; We were really going out on a limb with that last flashback-y chapter, thinking it wouldn't go over so well with the readers, but you guys were really cool and interested in it! We were actually super surprised that there were no negative comments about the fact that the latter half of the chapter was far too serious to fit into FTA, but we absolutely adored the fact that you awesome people were actually sending reviews in saying you **_**liked **_**the chapter, and noticed that you guys were actually getting attached to the characters and sympathizing and such. We were so moved, in fact, that we put writing this chapter on top priority and, without further ado, we present to you, Fernando The Alpaca: Chapter Nine!**

**-Miharu and Mitsuki**

Chapter Nine:

The hosts were, well, to say the least, flabbergasted by this sudden information being told to them. Especially the twins. They had wondered many times why exactly Rei had an imaginary alpaca named Fernando, but now it made sense.

…Well, sort of.

"Since that incident happened, Rei became more and more quiet, and the only one she would talk to was something that didn't really exist. Sometimes, though, having such an outspoken alter-ego of sorts wasn't a good thing, though, so if you were thinking Fernando was only able to help her, you are sadly mistaken…" Tohru continued gravely to the uncharacteristically silent hosts.

_A week had passed since the encounter with Fernando, and Rei was…_

"_You should really give those bitches a piece of your mind." Fernando advised the downcast Rei as she trotted a little behind the group of girls who had stabbed her in the back. _

…_Still getting used to his ways of doing things._

_Rei spared him a sideways glance, clearly tempted, but shook her head mutely. Sure, the girls were mean and had talked about her in secret, but it was human nature to want to belong with other people. Just to be part of a clique, no matter how cold-hearted and mean-spirited they were. After all, they had never actually said any of those heartless things to Rei's face, so she had figured that that meant that, to some extent, they didn't want to hurt her… Right?_

"_No, they just want to use you." Fernando replied to her thoughts, and Rei glanced down at the cluster of book bags that she had been carrying for them. _

"_Don't be silly," Rei said in a hushed whisper. "It's only natural to help your friends."_

"_Sure, help your friends, that's fine, but these hoes couldn't _spell_ the word 'friendship, let alone _apply_ its meaning to everyday life." Fernando sighed to the naïve girl. Really, how had he gotten stuck with such a spineless wimp? It was almost as if she _enjoyed_ being a human doormat. _

"_Shut up." Rei said in a little too loud of a whisper, and Jenna whipped around to stare at Rei, looking angry._

"What_ did you say?" Jenna asked sharply, and stopped walking, causing Rei to almost bump into her, then take a step back with caution. The other girls soon followed Jenna's lead and whirled around as well, glaring at Rei._

"_No-Nothing!" Rei squeaked._

"_Oh please. We all know what you wanna say to them. Go get 'em, girl." Fernando egged her on._

"_Oh really? 'Cause I think you _did_ say something." Jenna hissed, pulling her lips back into a sickening sneer._

"_No, I didn't, honest--!" Rei insisted as the other two girls rounded on her. She backed up a few steps, and her back bumped into something._

_Or someone._

"_Leave her alone, Jenna." Said a voice from behind Rei, and she turned around to see a boy with messy blond hair and kind brown eyes. She could vaguely remember Jenna tittering about him adoringly a few times. Apparently she had a crush on him. If Rei could remember correctly, he was in the other sixth grade class._

"_Tai!" Jenna said in surprise, but the anger had faded from her voice, switching, instead, to melancholy. "You-You won't believe it! Rei here just suddenly told us to shut up and called us all kinds of nasty words. She—I'm so glad you're here!" She cried into her hands._

_  
"What—I didn't--!" Rei rushed to say, looking very guilty for no apparent reason._

"_Liar!" Teresa sniffled at her, also feigning hurt at Rei's nonexistent name-calling. "You called us such mean names for no good reason! And all we've been is nice to you!" She choked out._

"_You aren't gonna take that, are you, kid?" Fernando said heatedly, and suddenly, Rei's civil side vanished._

"_No." Rei said, both as a reply to Fernando's question and an aloud resolve to stop her words from getting even more twisted beneath Jenna's mouth._

_Jenna looked up from the cradle of her palms, her eyes completely dry of tears that had never been shed. "Excuse me?"_

_  
"You heard me." Rei said, her voice shaking. She took in a deep breath. "I didn't say any of that stuff, and even if this sounds mean, I don't care. I wish I _had_ said those things, because, quite frankly, you need a reality check. If you think that talking about someone behind their back is a good strategy, then you're slower than you think _I _am." Rei took in another breath of air. Somehow, with the arrival of Tai and Fernando's approval, she had gained control of the opinions that she thought she would never be able to voice. "Just so you know, I heard _everything._ Every last word you said about me when you thought I wasn't around. I kind of wonder how many times you've done that, and to how many people. Listing them all would probably take up too much time, I'm guessing." Rei dropped the girls' bags onto the grass, ignoring the shocked and appalled faces that they were giving her. "And excuse me if I wanted to be _friends _with you, because now I realise that the only way you could ever be friends with _anybody_ is if you're looking at her in a mirror!"_

"_Ooh, you go, girl. Burn that bitch like a witch at the stake!" Fernando wolf-whistled. _

"_Wh—See, Tai?! See how mean she is to us?! And all we've done is help--!" Jenna squealed, overcoming her shock and hiding it with pain. _

"_That's not it." Tai said seriously. Jenna looked stricken._

"…_Wh-What?" Jenna whispered._

_  
"I said it's not possible. Because Rei Fujiwara…" He looked over at Rei, who was staring up at him, eyes the size of the moon. "Isn't that kind of girl." He finished coldly to them, grabbed Rei's hand and dragged her off._

"_Well, isn't he just such a stereotypical hero…" Fernando snorted sarcastically, following the two sixth-graders._

"_T-Tai-sa—I mean Tai…!" Rei quickly corrected herself, sputtering in surprise. _

"_Huh? Oh, gomen, gomen." Tai airily responded, letting go of her hand, stopping their walk._

"_You speak Japanese?" Rei said in surprise. _

_Tai grinned sheepishly. "Actually, that's all I know. Even if I'm a quarter Japanese, the only parts of the language I can understand are certain phrases." He suddenly leaned over and peered straight into Rei's face. "Hey, hey…!" He said in surprise and panic. "Ah, don't cry, don't cry, for God's sake, please don't cryyyy!" Tai panicked as tears began to stream down Rei's face._

"_Eh? Oh no..!" Rei exclaimed, burying her face in her hands. "This is so embarrassing! You must think I'm really stupiddddd!" She yelled._

"_No, I don't, really! I think you're really cute—I mean… GAH!" Tai screamed, and Rei looked up, surprised, and saw that his face had turned bright red. "I mean—Urrgh, please stop crying, you're making me say weird things!" He exclaimed._

_  
"Ooh, Rei, you sexy little girl, he's only just met you and he already wants in your pants…" Fernando said with a sly smile, and Rei turned bright red, just like Tai._

"_Hey, um…" Mumbled Tai, smacking the remaining redness off of his face as he turned to look at Rei. "Listen, if you don't want to, that's fine, but… If you wanna have lunch with me, you can." _

_The waterworks started up again. _

"_Wha—Hey!! I'm not trying to force you, or anything! S-Sorry!" Tai yelled in shock at the girl's tears._

_  
"N-n-no, I w-wannna…. This is… The first time since coming here that… Anyone's invited me…" Rei sniffled. She lifted her head to beam up at him. "Thank you… I'm… Crying because I'm happy…!"  
_

"_O-Okay then… Um, I'll see you in the other sixth grade class tomorrow, then… I, uh, gotta go, bye!" Tai suddenly yelled, running off after waving. _

"_He wants in your pa-ants, he wants in your pa-ants!~" Fernando sang teasingly in his super-sexy voice._

"_Shut up!" Rei exclaimed, embarrassed. Despite her rude tone, she was smiling a smile so wide it could have broken her face._

_Her fleeting happiness soon ended, however, when she entered the classroom the next day. Cold whispers tightened around her throat like boa constrictors, and there, on the chalkboard, in stark white writing, was three horrible words, addressed only to her:_

"_Rei Fujiwara: Whore."_


	10. Chapter 10: You NAMED your

**Whoo, sorry for the delay. This chapter pretty much wraps up the flashbacks, so now we can get back to all the Fernando innuendos, dirty jokes, twincest and friendcest.**

**So, shall we begin?**

**-Miharu and Mitsuki**

Chapter Ten:

"Th-That's so mean! Poor Rei-chan…" Hunny sniffled with little tears coming out of his eyes as Mori silently panicked in the background, unsure of what to do.

"Yeah. She must've been having a really rough time back then." Haruhi agreed sympathetically.

Tohru just nodded, and continued to tell the story.

_Whore…? Rei's eyes widened at the word. She'd heard it before, she'd seen it before, and hell, she'd even___used _it before, but never in her life had she seen it used right beside her name. _

_So there was only one thing she could think: this must be a mistake. It must be someone else, or just a coincidence that the word and her name had gotten mixed up in. _

_But… On the black chalkboard, in stark white scrawl, there was no denying it for long. _

"_They've really gone too far! Seriously, if I weren't invisible, I'd be fucking them up—and not in the usual way I fuck bitches up…!" Fernando said angrily, but Rei was mute. She clenched both hands so tightly into fists that her knuckles turned white. _

_Deep breath in, deep breath out, and…_

_She just walked to her desk. That was all she did, but the writing on the blackboard was not something someone _else_ just did. There was more. Grafitti on her desk, and something slimy and awful-smelling pasted on her chair. Whispers, now. She didn't need to hear what everyone was saying to know that they were talking about her. _

"_Give 'em a piece of your mind, Rei! Let them have it! Beat them up—Hey, where are you going?" Fernando exclaimed as Rei silently exited the classroom, and, further, the school._

"_I don't wanna deal with this anymore." Rei said. Her voice sounded hollow, and her eyes matched._

"_Wait a second, kiddo! You're not thinking-!" Fernando yelled in very un-Fernando-like alarm._

"_I wish I could just disappear…" Rei said emotionlessly, kicking a stone all the way down the street. _

_So far, in fact, that it hit the person's shoes from across the street. With a start, Rei looked up at the stranger who stood in front of her, offering the rock back in one outstretched, friendly hand. _

"_Excuse me," The girl said with a Japanese accent. "Is this yours?"_

_Rei just looked at the redheaded, blue-eyed, mixed-race girl in shock. _

_The other girl shifted from foot to foot a few times before speaking again. "My names Tohru. Tohru Matsuo, and—Hey, why are you crying?" The girl asked in concern, her voice gentle. _

_And that's when Rei broke down, and that was when Rei told this stranger everything that had happened, despite knowing the girl for all of two minutes._

"Wait a second, wait a second—" Kaoru said in shock, pointing at the calmly staring Tohru. "Are you sure you're not making this up?"

"If I was, I'd make the story ten times better and the cure for cancer, too." Tohru said with a mocking smile, and everyone fell silent, except for…

"WHAT A BEAUTIFULLY TOUCHING AND MOVING STORY ABOUT AN INNOCENT AND GENEROUS FRIENDSHIP AMONG COMMONERS!"

…Tamaki.

"…Yeah, so anyway…" Tohru said, ignoring Tamaki, (which made him revert to the emo corner for a little while.) and finished her story.

"_Hey, was the guy who stood up for you named Tai?" Asked the redhead, and Rei's eyes widened in shock. She nodded. "I thought so! Hehe, so _you're_ the Rei he was talking about yesterday…"_

"_Yesterday?" Rei repeated, confused. Who was this girl? How did she know Tai?_

_As if perfectly reading her expression, Tohru began to explain. "Our families are really close, so when we visit them me and Tai always hang out. We're only friends, though. We're both way too annoyed by each other to ever be… more. Honestly, the way that kid rambles, it's insane! So you have nothing to worry about. I support you whole-heartedly! Become 'special friends'! Yeah!" Tohru winked, holding her pinky up like an old man. _

"_Huh? N-no, I—It's not like that! I mean…!" Rei exclaimed, hurriedly waving her hands in front of her bright red face._

"_Aw, really? Well, at any rate…" Her face turned serious. "We have to tell Tai about this, and we have to stop this."_

_"Huh, but—"_

"_No buts. I've decided we're gonna be best friends now. You, me and Tai. And as best friends, we have to do everything in our power to help you, got it? Good. Now let's go kick some butt."_

_And, once again, Rei found herself smiling so wide her jaw hurt, as she took the redheads hand in hers and finally found her place. Her clique. Her home._

_THE END._

"W-Uwahhhhhhh! THAT. WAS. SO. BEAUTIFULLLLLLLLL!" Tamaki sobbed loudly, leaping away from the corner to hug Tohru, who swiftly dodged.

"So now you know. I'd appreciate it if you didn't say such mean things to her, but the past is the past, and I have no right to control other people. I'm just saying…" And suddenly, there was a cold breeze, and Tohru's face held murderous intent behind an icy smile very much like Kyoya's. "… Me and Tai won't be accountable for our actions if she cries again."

She cracked her knuckles, and the hosts began to flinch away slowly.

Meanwhile…

"No, no, no, no, no!" Rei sobbed as she continued to run aimlessly. "Not like this! Not like this again! I don't want it to be like this again! I—"

"Rei!"

"Tai…" She sniffled, stubbornly wiping at her tears. She gave a smile that didn't reach her red eyes. "Ha…ha… All these years and I'm still such a crybaby… You always catch me at my most embarrassing moments, Tai, I—" She was interrupted as Tai wrapped his arms around her in a warm hug.

"Shh, Rei, it's okay," He said soothingly to her. "It's okay, it's alright… Everything's going to be fine… I'm here, I'm here, okay?"

"Y—Yeah…" Rei sobbed, her fingers clutching tightly onto the front of his shirt. She buried herself into his chest. "Yeah, okay…"

Click!

Neither teen heard the mysterious sound.

Tai smiled gently. "Okay. So… Aha! I know what'll cheer you up!" He said brightly, letting her go.

She looked up at him quizzically, but he only grinned wide, and held out a box of strawberry pocky.

Rei's eyes instantly lit up, and she jumped to make a grab for the box of her favourite snack, sitting suddenly on the grass to enjoy it. Tai smiled and sat down next to her.

Click!

"Feeling better?" He asked as Rei bit into her fifth stick.

"Mhm…" Rei said with a subdued smile, nibbling on it like a hamster. Tai ruffled her hair.

Click!

"That's good. Rei, you got to remember that I'm always here for you, okay? I think we need a whistle or something so I know when you're in trouble, and I can come running like some lame superhero." Tai laughed.

"In tights?" Rei laughed, almost choking on her pocky.

Tai smirked. "What, you wanna see me in tights?"

"OH GOD NO! NO! Not my innocent, maidenly eyes!" Rei screamed mockingly.

"Ouch. That wounds me deeply, you know. Fine, I won't wear tights." Tai said with a sigh.

"Oh thank God!" Rei breathed out a sarcastic sigh of relief.

Tai grinned and slung his arm around her. "Nope. Instead, I'll wear a leotard. How's that sound?"

Click!

"Ewww, Tai!"

"What?"

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"No. Tights cover more areas."

"Ewww! I don't wanna see your… your…Ewww!" Rei squealed, her face red.

Click!

"Aww, why not? They're dying to meet you." Tai teased.

"That is so _gross_, Tai!" Rei said, bursting into giggles.

Click!

"Aww, Phillip and Daniel are disappointed." Tai pouted.

Click!

"Wait a minute, wait a minute—You named your—Tai…?"

"Yeah?"

"What's that clicking sound…?"

But they no longer heard a click. They heard the rustling of bushes, and feet clattering quickly against pavement.

Their stalker was already gone.


	11. Chapter 11: Dining with Disaster

**Woo, hey there, guys. Been a while, hasn't it? *refreshing smiles* … *pelted with rotten vegetables* Ahhh, we're sorry, we're sorry! We know it's been too long since we updated, but never fear, for here comes yet another chapter of Fernando The Alpaca! Enjoy!**

**-Miharu and Mitsuki**

Chapter Ten: Dining With Destruction

There were a few moments of silence in which Tai and Rei suspiciously looked around for any evidence of an eavesdropper, but they found nothing.

"Guess we were just hearing things." Tai suggested. "Or it could have been an animal or something."

Rei nodded. "Yeah, you're probably right."

Neither of them believed that, but as they walked back to Rei and Tohru's place they both pretended to. They caught Tohru just as she was entering the house.

"Hey, where did you two run off to?" Tohru asked them somewhat more suggestively than necessary, inserting the key into the lock and turning it. She opened the door.

Tai blushed. Rei blinked.

"Nowhere, really," Said Rei with a grin. "We were just chillin'."

"Well, could you guys chill in the kitchen and make some food? I'm starving." Tohru said, her stomach grumbling shortly after for emphasis.

"I feel like an abused housewife. Oh! What shall I do?" Rei exclaimed despairingly, acting like a shy bride, swaying back and forth.

Tohru smirked. "Make mah dinner, bitch!" She yelled, playing opposite Rei as the abusive husband while shoving her and Tai into the kitchen.

"Ohh, I can only imagine what he'd do if he found out about Fabio!" Rei said dramatically, taking Tai's hand. "Oh Fabio! Let's you and I run away together! Then I'll be free from all this grief!"

Tai wanted to jump in, too. He wanted to play this strange acting game with his two best friends, just like old times, but he restrained himself. He had a feeling that if he started acting out the secret lover, he'd let something slip that would completely shatter the friendship the trio had built so strong over the years. Keeping that in mind, he was silent.

Rei let go of his hand and looked up at the blond in concern. "Hey, Tai? Is everything okay?"

_No_. Tai thought, but he knew if he said so, she'd get even more worried, and that wasn't fair to her, so he instead aimed at her a convincing, reassuring smile and told her he was fine.

"So, what're we making your husband?" He asked with a true grin this time.

Upon seeing this, Rei noticeably relaxed from her suspicion that something was wrong, and immediately responded, "PASTAAA!~"

Tai sweatdropped. "Are you quoting _Hetalia_?"

"Maaybe…" She said with a mysterious little smile, and suddenly chucked a large can of pasta directly at his face. "Think fast, foo'!"

"Holy shit!" Tai yelled in surprise. Thank God he had pro reflex skills, or he'd have had a large dent in his face from that tomato-filled projectile. He caught it just seconds before it reached his face. "Rei, what the hell was that?"

In response, Rei cackled like a madman, took the can from him, and opened it. Half a dozen tiny paper snakes exploded from the can like mocking confetti. She grinned widely. "Gotcha. Hehehe…"

"Rei, you suck." Tai said with no real malice in his voice, and he found himself grinning despite the situation, the aftershock quickly ebbing away into nothing. "And I think you might be mentally unstable."

From the other room, he heard Tohru snort and say sarcastically, "You _think_ she _might_ be?"

"I will rule the world! Mwhaha!" Rei laughed maniacally, grabbing the real can of pasta sauce and the can opener, attempting to pry it open.

A series of short-tempered, frustrated grunts followed these attempts. Rei, even using all the force her body had, was unable to even make a dent in the top of the lid with the can opener.

"Hrrrrghhhh, mmmmhhhhrrrrr, grrrrrrrrrahhhhhhh…!" Rei growled, angrily yanking the can opener around the rim in the hopes of getting even a small part open, but to no avail.

"Jeez, Rei, don't give birth." Tai said sarcastically, taking both items from her hands. After mere seconds of use, the can's lid popped off with a triumphant 'snap!'. He turned to her, smirking amusedly, and held the can out to her.

"Yeah, well, I loosened it for you!" She said pridefully.

Tai cocked an eyebrow, turning to chop the onions, peppers and tomatoes efficiently. "How exactly do you loosen a can?"

"…Shut up." Rei pouted childishly, allowing tap water to run into the large steel pot before putting it on the stove. Suddenly incredibly animated, she turned to Tai and asked, "How much pasta do you think we should make? I think we should make lots, so there's leftovers for breakfast!"

"Ugh… Please don't talk about dinner for breakfast…" Tai said in disgust. "Just make enough for three people, since I'll be mooching off you. Back at the dorms we've only got that shitty vending machine."

"Oh yeah, you're living in student dorms nearby your school, aren't you? How long are you in this student exchange anyway?" Rei asked, measuring out copious amounts of raw angel-hair pasta.

"For about two more weeks. It's more like a trial run." Tai shrugged.

"Aww, then we're hanging out like crazy!" Rei exclaimed. "Because I'm gonna miss you when you go back to Canada."

"Erm… Yeah… Me too…" Tai said, looking glumly down at his feet. He didn't really want to think about it, and her saying that in such a sincere tone made him feel even more depressed.

"Then it's settled." Rei said grandly. "Come over and hang out whenever you can, okay? You could even stay here, you know! It'd be like one huge sleepover! But without the parents yelling at us to keep quiet and stop yelling at the tv!"

_Since when did that happen… And guys don't usually sleep over at girls' houses… In fact, guys don't have sleepovers at all. Isn't that unmanly or something?_ Tai thought with a sweatdrop, somewhat flustered that she'd even suggested him sleeping over, under the same roof as her, even if her intentions were completely innocent.

Rei poured the pasta sauce into another pot. "Hey, Tai, gimme the chopped stuff, 'kay?"

"Aren't you… Supposed to put oil in the pot first, then the vegetables in? And once the onions are golden brown you put the sauce in?" Tai asked sceptically, shaking once again out of his reverie.

Rei puffed out her cheeks. "No. I'm impatient." Tai laughed at her expression, and dumped the sliced vegetables into the pot with the sauce.

"Now then, meatballs, meatballs, meatballs! How much should we put in? I think the whole boxful!" Cheered Rei, taking the frozen meatballs out of the fridge and dumping all of them in before Tai could protest.

"Rei… Just how much do you think three people can eat…?"

"At least this much! At least!" Rei said adamantly, dumping an entire package of the pasta in the now bubbling water. Tai sweatdropped.

"You could feed the entire block with that…" He said.

"Too bad for them! We're not sharing! Pa-staaa, pa-staaaa.~ Please be re-ady soon…~" Rei trilled her made-up song gleefully. "Pa-staaa, pa-staaa, I'm hun-gry for this food…~ Pa-staaa, pa-staaa, I'm re-ally in the mood… For paaaa-staaaaa!~" She finished on a note somewhat too high for her voice, raising her arms to the sky and doing a ridiculous pose that left Tai in stitches as soon as she started.

Ding-dong!~

"Toh-ru-chaaaannn! Get-the-doooorrrr!~" Rei sang in the same way she previously had, striking another pose.

"I will, but please stop singing. Children in _America_ can hear you. And their ears are bleeding." Tohru said teasingly, moving towards the door. She peeked through the peephole and sweatdropped at what she saw when she looked out. Unlocking the door and swinging it open, she half-smiled in amusement. "What's everyone doing visiting our humble little commoner's abode?"

"We didn't get a good chance to completely explore another commoner's house, so we decided we'd drop by!" Said Tamaki shamelessly, as if coming to someone's house without warning and wanting to explore was a perfectly normal pastime to him.

Tohru sighed, and stared at the rest of the hosts flatly. "And you're his supervisors? Or I gather at least you two are, Mori-senpai and Kyoya-senpai."

"Commoner's house! Commoner's house!" The twins recited in unison, running past Tamaki and Tohru into the house. They began to inspect various things in the hallway.

"What's this?" Kaoru asked, pointing to a large, odd black electronic device.

"That's a portable heater." She answered with a sigh. She could tell this was going to be a _long_ visit.

"Toh-ru-chan.~" Rei grinned, peeking out the doorway. "Can I make more pa-staaa?~ I don't think we have enouuuggghhh!~"

"Umm—" Tohru began, but was interrupted as Tai also peeked out and yelled,

"Don't let her do it, Tohru! It's a trap! She's making enough for an army already! We've already gone through three boxes of meatballs and four packages of pasta! The madness has to stop!" Tai's face was grave. Rei's face was aghast.

"Tai! You _snitch_!" Rei said in disbelief, gasping dramatically.

_And possibly something that rhymes with that._ Pointed out Fernando.

"Oh, shush. Only girls can be that." She told him reproachfully.

"I'm sorry… But the amount of food you're making is out of control." Said Tai seriously.

"Really, Rei, don't you remember what happened the _last_ time you made pasta?" Tohru said with a sigh.

At hearing this comment, Rei's face clouded over with a tortured expression. "So… Much linguini… So little time… Too many meatballs…! No! No! You'll never take me alliiivvveeeee! We need the parmesan cheese! It's useless without the parmesan cheese!" Rei shrieked in anguish, clutching her head as if she had a migrane.

"Right. And what did you promise you wouldn't do after that horrible week?" Tohru asked ruthlessly, ignoring the other girl's theatrics.

Rei mumbled something.

"I can't _hear_ you!" Said Tohru scoldingly.

"I promised I would never make that much pasta again! But… But…" She turned to the host club. "Them! They can have some, too! That means I didn't make a big amount, right? It means I made enough for all of us!"

Kyoya sighed. Mori 'ah'ed. Haruhi sweatdropped. Hunny 'ooh~'ed. The twins 'ehhh?'ed. And Tamaki…

"I've never eaten pasta prepared by a commoner before!"

…Was blissful. In an insulting sort of way.

"Great," Tohru muttered to herself as the house erupted into utter chaos, cutlery clashing and glasses clanking together as the hosts excitedly hastened to 'help the commoners get dinner ready'. "All I wanted was a simple, quiet evening, God. Can't I even have that?"

In response, rain began to pour down relentlessly.


	12. Chapter 12: Saturday Night Sleepover

**Gee, I wonder what this lil' thing could be? That's right, it's an… UPDATE!~ Yeah! Aren't we super awesome? Oh, and we noticed that the chapter titles for the contents and page were different. The correct title for chapter 11 is 'Dining With Disaster'. We're just too lazy to change it.**

**-Miharu and Mitsuki**

Chapter Twelve:

"Where do you keep the plates?"

"The pot's boiling over!"

"Do we even have enough to drink?"

"Mommy, look! It's a commoner's table! Isn't it so cute?"

"You guys, you're causing trouble for Rei and Tohru…"

"And Tai!"

"Right, and Tai-san."

"Jeez, commoners' dining rooms are so small…"

"Will all of you…" Tohru said with a forced smile, causing chills to run down everyone's (sans Kyoya's) spines. "Just _shut up_?"

Suddenly, there was a cool breeze.

"Is-Is Toh-chan mad at us…?" Hunny whimpered, tearing up.

Tohru, unable to stand upsetting such an adorable boy—man—person—host… Instantly switched off her cold glare. "No, Hunny-senpai, I'm not mad at you guys. You're just… Rather headache-inducing."

"Isn't that the same thing?" The twins chorused dully.

"Do you want me to demonstrate the difference between anger and irritation? Because you're the prime test subjects…" Tohru said warningly.

"DINNER'S READDDYYYYYYYYY!" Rei screamed at the top of her lungs to shut everyone up, slamming a gigantic pot of spaghetti and meatballs in the centre of the cramped table, and everyone scrambled to a seat. There was just barely enough room, and everyone sat shoulder-to-shoulder. Tamaki sat at the head of the table, then beside him was Haruhi, Kyoya, then Mori, Hunny, Tohru, Kaoru, Hikaru, Rei, and Tai.

"Well, this is… uncomfortable…" Said Tohru blankly.

"Never mind that! Pastaaaaaa!~" Rei said with an airy smile, passing down plate after heaping plate of pasta and meatballs to everyone. "Okay! Let's eat!"

Twenty minutes later…

"Takashi… I think I'm gonna explode…" Whimpered Hunny.

"Ah."

"Why did you make so much pasta…?" Haruhi groaned, resting her head back on the couch.

"I think I'm gonna be sick… But… Commoner's pasta tastes so good…!" Tamaki moaned, sprawled out drunkenly on the floor.

"My God, Rei… Don't make so much next time…" Tai complained, holding his stomach in anguish.

"Yeah, jeez. You really _could_ have fed an army…" Groaned the twins in perfect unison, collapsing on the couch.

"Though um, ne, Takashi…? I think we have to get going soon…" Hunny spoke, heaving himself up and walking over to the now standing Mori.

"Ah." He said, as per usual.

"Well then, bye!~" Hunny said, all stomach aching forgotten, as he jumped onto the tall senior's shoulders and they left.

"Isn't it… Raining though?" Tohru sweatdropped as she stared out the window. In response, the moment the two older hosts disappeared from vision, the storm raged harder.

"Yeah, but isn't Mori-senpai a super-duper ninja robotic ultra-cool karate Chuck Norris guy?" Rei asked blankly, as if this were a perfectly logical thing to state.

It was not.

"Ninja robotic ultra…? Rei, what have _you_ been smoking?" Tai asked with a snort.

"Nooothhinnnggggg! Oh, but I had some really good brownies that I got from this one guy on the street, and—" Rei grinned teasingly.

"Stranger danger!" Tohru yelled instinctively, smacking her friend mockingly on the top of the head, and then turned to the remaining hosts. "So, I take it you guys don't exactly want to leave while it's raining."

"Are you saying we can stay in your adorably humble commoner's home?" Asked Tamaki excitedly, his eyes sparkling in delight.

"Meh, why not? Us _humble commoners_ are a nice sort." Tohru said with a mocking smile and incline of her head, making her short orange hair bob slightly up and down.

"Sorry for the trouble." Said Haruhi politely.

"Yaayyy!~ Did you hear that, mommy? We get to stay in a commoner's house!" Tamaki exclaimed joyfully.

"Don't worry, we'll be out of your hair the moment a limo arrives." Said Kyoya with a cold smile.

"Light Yagami, your cruel tone indeed wounds me deeply." Rei said seriously, stringing a set of words together in a flimsy sentence that hardly made complete sense. "That's like thanking your parents for changing your diapers and feeding you for all those years then moving out and stealing the toaster."

"Why do you have the weirdest metaphors?" Hikaru asked with an exasperated sweatdrop.

"And why is she calling Kyoya-senpai 'Light Yagami'?" Kaoru asked to Tohru, the saner of the duo.

"The main protagonist-slash-antagonist of the anime series _Death Note_." Tohru replied knowingly, though the description did absolutely no explaining for Kaoru.

"So, tomorrow's Sunday…" Rei said with a big grin spreading across her face.

"Oh no." Said Tohru, sighing.

"You know what that means…" The brunette girl continued with a gleeful giggle.

"A sleepover, Rei?" Tohru asked in mocking wonder.

"That's right, little girl!" Said Rei with a bright smile, though Tohru in actuality had a good four inches on her, at the very least. "A sleepover we shall have!"

"Oh wonder of wonders." Tohru said flatly in a sarcastic tone. "Golly gee, dreams do come true."

"Damn straight! Alright, so, are you guys ready to implement: "Rei's-Super-Mega-Awesome-Sleepover-Party-Plan-Of-Epic-Proportions"?"

"…"

"Or, "RSMASPPOEP" for short?" She said.

"Is that a commoner thing? I've never had one of those before!" Said Tamaki in awe.

"Yep, we have 'em all the time." Rei smiled, and raced upstairs. "Gimme a second! Tohru, come help me out here!"

Ten minutes later, the two girls came back down, throwing a huge quantity of fluffy pillows down with them. Then, moving them all into the living room, they quickly scuffled about once more. After ten more minutes, the host club and Tai found themselves lounging over a mass of pillows, a coffee table covered with junk food in front of them and Rei and Tohru speaking in hushed tones near the tv.

"I dunno, Tohru…" Said Rei seriously, holding up a DVD. "This one's supposed to be a masterpiece…"

"Psh, they just say that to bump up the viewer count." Snorted Tohru wisely, brandishing a finger at Rei like she was scolding the shorter girl. "We have to watch this one. It's a classic."

"So what are we supposed to do now?" Asked Hikaru and Kaoru blankly from the couch, unaccustomed to what Tamaki dubbed "commoner traditions".

"We're gonna watch a spine-tingling, heart-stopping, creepy-as-hell scary movie!" They replied at one in loud, enthusiastic tones.

"It's a must!" Rei pronounced adamantly.

"Let's watch this one!" Tohru said just as fixedly, sliding the dvd into the dvd player.

"Now Haruhi, just remember, if you're scared, you can always hug daddy for support."

"You're the last person I'd turn to when I'm scared, senpai."

"Stop being all emo and sit back down for the movie!"

From his place on the armchair, far away from the rest of all those blithering idiots, Kyoya sighed, and mentally prepared himself for the longest, most hellish night he'd have for a while…

**Holy filler chapter, batman. :B *shot* Well, sorta. Don't worry, we'll get on to more of the sleepover next chapter, so chill, okay? Put the gun down. Reviews are nice, so make our day, won't you? :D**

**-Miharu and Mitsuki**


	13. Chapter 13: Truth or Dare

**Here you go. *throws a waffle at you* Enjoy with syrup. *srsfaces***

**-Miharu and Mitsuki**

Chapter Thirteen:

"_Dude_!" Rei yelled with a giant grin on her face as she pointed excitedly at the tv. "Did you _see_ that? He just got his head freakin' _impaled_ on a javelin, and his organs are spewing out _everywhere_! This is so awesome!"

Shovelling handful after handful of extra-buttery popcorn into her mouth, Rei was completely oblivious to everyone else's fright and disgust. Well, other than Tai and Tohru, that is. And Kyoya just didn't care.

"Ho damn! Lookit that! He just got his brains splattered across the pavement from that insane zombie hockey-player! This is truly art!" Tohru said with sparkly eyes, leaning toward the screen in anticipation.

"Whoa, whoa! Look at that chick! She was totally hot a few seconds ago, and now her face is melting off! What the hell happened?" Tai laughed maniacally, speaking in broken Japanese.

"This is horrifying, Kaoru, just horrifying…" Hikaru said gravely.

"I know, Hikaru. Who knew this movie'd be so damn scary…?" Kaoru replied.

"Actually, I was talking about the fact that Rei's shoved at least an entire bag of popcorn in her face and not swallowed one bit of it. Seriously, you look like a chipmunk." Hikaru deadpanned to Rei.

"**No gag reflex!"** Tai chimed teasingly in English as the credits of the movie rolled.

"Are you implying something?" Rei exclaimed angrily with a faint flush to her cheeks.

Tai smiled teasingly, leaning in real close to Rei's face and flicking her nose. **"Baby, you don't even want to **_**think **_**about what I'm implying."**

"**Dayum, boy!"** Tohru chimed in.

"**Oh Tai, you're so sexy my knees are weak."** Rei pretended to swoon.

"**Yeah, you know it, honey." **Tai broke into laughter at the end, slinging an arm casually around Rei's shoulders.

Hikaru, who was on the other side of Rei and looking very irritated for some reason or another, did not seem to think that this was a very good move to make. Tai stared back at the redheaded twin with a spark of God-knows-what in his eyes, but remained tactfully silent. Rei, of course, in the middle, was completely oblivious to the silent exchange going on, and laughed gleefully.

"So, my ginger-haired conspirator, our victims have survived the first stage of sleepover hazing. What shall we do next?" Rei asked deviously, rubbing her hands together expectantly.

"Welll, I just so happen to know a game that might ease our post-movie boredom…" Tohru said with an evil tone of voice.

"A game? Do tell."

"It's one you know well."

"Are you sure? Is it so?"

"You surely do know."

"I confess my thought process is going nowhere."

"It's a pretty little game called Truth or Dare."

"Why are you two rhyming?" Asked Tamaki in confusion, and then inched back as the two crazy Canadians turned their identically evil grins on him.

"Shall we play, good sirs? Shall we play?" They asked together in eerie unison.

Tamaki gulped. Haruhi sweatdropped. The twins rolled their eyes. Tai grinned.

"Is it… a commoner's game?" Tamaki asked with wary interest.

"It is, indeed."

"LET'S PLAY IT!" He replied instantly. The three Canadians grinned, relishing their victim's absurd naiveté.

"Oh my, let's start right away. Make a circle, then." Ordered Tohru. Everyone complied except for Kyoya.

"Light Yagami, you have to join the circle if you want to play!~" Rei called to him cheerily.

"I think I'll sit out, thank you." Said Kyoya with his signature cool smile. His glasses glinted mysteriously.

_He is clearly going to take advantage of this to it's fullest for profit… _Tohru thought with a sweatdrop, silently giving him the thumbs-up. _Nicely played, Kira. _Then, ignoring Kyoya's slightly puzzled expression, she turned back to the group and smiled.

"Okay, so, the rules… And this is the intense version, so no chickening out… I'll start, and I'll ask someone truth or dare. You can pick either one, but if you fail to answer the truth or take the dare, you have to drink a mysterious concoction made by the rest of us… Fufufu~… Got it?"

Tamaki gulped. "U-Um, Fujiwara, is—"

"NO QUESTIONS." Said Tohru scarily, scaring Tamaki out of his wits. She then returned to her sweet tone of voice and informed them. "Okay, so I'll start. Haruhi, truth or dare?"

"T-Truth…" Haruhi said, fearing what the reply would be if she chose dare.

"Hmm… Let's see… If you were stuck on a deserted island and you had to marry one person, kill one person, and sleep with one person, who would those three people out of this group be?" Tohru smirked.

Rei and Tai let out two identical low whistles.

"Damn, that's intense…."

"Wh—What kind of question is—" Haruhi sputtered.

"Oh! My daughter is all red! How cute! Wait a second! Daddy won't allow Haruhi to sleep with anyone!" Tamaki cried out despairingly.

Everyone ignored him.

"Just answer the question, dear, unless you wanna try out that secret concoction…" Tohru said with a scheming smile.

"Alright, fine…" Haruhi sighed. "I would _kill_ you, Tohru, for asking that question. I'd marry Kaoru, because he's the most normal out of this group. And I am not answering the last one."

"It's totally me." Rei said smugly.

"Oh, totally." Tai rolled his eyes.

"Don't be jealous." Rei said with a smirk. "Just 'cause me and Haruhi are about to get some lovin' on…."

"This is so disturbing…" Haruhi muttered. "Alright then. Senpai, truth or dare."

"DARE!"

"I dare you to never call me 'daughter' again." Haruhi deadpanned.

Tamaki looked crushed.

"B-But Haruhiiiiii…" He whined.

"Can't do the dare, Tamaki?" Tohru asked sympathetically, patting the snivelling blonde on the back.

"I-I can't, Fujiwaraaaaaaa…" He whimpered pathetically.

"I understand, senpai, I understand…" Tohru said kindly. Then suddenly, her eyes flashed. "I understand that now you have to play a PENALTY GAAAAMMMEEEEEE! YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!"

For the fortieth time that night, Kyoya wished he'd taken his chances in the rain.


	14. Chapter 14: Observations

**Yeah. Here's an update. Rinse and repeat. ;) **

Chapter Fourteen:

"Hmm, what do you think? More mustard?"

"Definetly. Hey, pass the hot sauce, we need some in there."

"We should mush up some garlic and sprinkle it in."

"I like the way you think, my friend. Ooh! We definitely need to add some syrup."

Plop, plop, plop.

"Oh god, hells yes! Half a cup!"

Gloooooop.~

As Kyoya heard those sickening noises and voices, he was beginning to vaguely feel an emotion that some people might have called "pity". Quite surprising, really. He wasn't used to it.

_But then again_, He thought with a sweatdrop as he watched Tamaki's face turn paler and paler by the second, _Even Tamaki's most bitter enemy would be sympathizing with him at this moment. Ah well. Nothing I can do for him now._

"Oh Tamakiiii-senpaiiiiiiiii~" Trilled the five identically sinister, cruel voices of Rei, Tohru, Tai, Hikaru and Kaoru cheerily, and Kyoya and Haruhi saw Tamaki flinch further into the wall, curling into the fetal position. "We have your driiinkkkkkkkkk~"

Tamaki stared at the strangely-coloured sludge that sat, unmoved by motion, in the large drinking glass, and gulped. "D-do I really have to—"

"YES." They all chorused firmly.

Tamaki looked over with frightened, childlike eyes to Haruhi, whose gaze merely flickered to his for a few seconds, then rested on the far corner of the room away from him again. The blonde appeared to be absolutely crushed.

"It's your problem, senpai," Haruhi said firmly, adding insult to injury, and seemed to take an ever-so-slight fascination with Tamaki's tearful, terrified eyes staring at her like a deer in the headlights. "You didn't take the dare, so you have to do the penalty. Tohru explained it in the rules."

"That's right, boss, and Haruhi's the closest thing to a lawyer we have here with us at this time, so her word is absolute!" The twins said, snickering cruelly at the quivering blonde man.

"Go on, drink it. It won't huuuurt you.~" Tohru and Rei said with deceptively sweet smiles as they shoved the drink in his face.

Then, Tamaki did what any desperate yet respectable, manly-man would do in that situation.

He let out an ear-piercing, strangely feminine shriek and leapt into a sprint, attempting to run far, far away.

Key word: "Attempting".

SMASH! BOOM! CRASH! CRACKLE! BANG!

"Oh crap, will he be alright?" Kaoru asked, wide-eyed as he surveyed the damage.

"Is he dead?" Asked Tohru calmly.

"Don't think so." Chorused the twins.

"Then he'll be fine." Said Tohru with a breezy smile very incongruous to the present situation.

The twins sweatdropped. "Wow, harsh."

"GRAYAHHHH!" Tamaki screamed in horror as a battle-cry-yelling Rei leapt on top of him in a tackle and held him down. "WH—WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GAH! F-FUJIWARA! MATSUO! PL—PLEASE, CAN'T WE TALK THIS OUT?"

"Nope." The two replied in unison.

"Tai, the drink!" Tohru yelled as Tai rushed forward with the glass, forced Tamaki's mouth open and poured the entire lumpy, slimy mixture into his mouth and closed it again, smiling evilly.

Twenty minutes later, Tamaki was still recovering and therefore was dead to the world, off in his own little corner.

"Alright. Let's play marry, fuck, kill, guys. Minus Raito Imagay and Tamaki." Suggested Rei with a big grin as everyone sat back down in the circle.

"Can I sit out of th—"

"NO." Rei and Tohru interrupted in reply to Haruhi's unfinished question, who sighed in resign.

"No, I didn't think so…" She muttered, sitting down.

"Okay, I'll start!" Rei cheered. "Tai, if you had to marry, fuck, or kill these three people: Justin Bieber, Batman, and Micheal Jackson—"

"TOO SOON." Tohru said mockingly.

Rei shot her a dirty look, "—Who would you marry, fuck, or kill and why?"

Tai seemed to think about this for a few moments, holding everyone in (lacklustre) suspense, then began to explain. "I'd marry MJ, because he's dead, what can he do?, fuck Batman, because, well, he's fucking _Batman_, man, and kill Bieber, because somebody needs to tell that hermaphrodite to shut the hell up."

"So you're a necrophiliac?" Tohru asked.

"No, that would mean I'd be sexing him up, and I am not thrilled about that notion." Tai deadpanned. "Alright then. Tohru, if you had the choices of Shane Dawson, the entire cast of Pokemon, and a perverted old lady in jail for sexual assault, who would you marry, fuck and kill?"

"I'd marry the old lady, because then I can keep her in the same place 'till I call the cops and get a divorce, fuck Shane Dawson because he's probably gay anyways, and kill the entire cast of Pokemon, because I freakin' hate that show. Digimon for the win."

"Hells yes!" Yelled Rei with a big smile, high-fiving her.

"Alright, Kaoru, if you had the choices of Mori, Fabio—he's a male model—and Haruhi, who would you marry, fuck and kill?" Tohru smiled blissfully as Tamaki turned around, face white and horrified at her question.

As he directed his gaze on Kaoru, the twin gulped, genuinely frightened, but hastened to regain his composure, smirking. "Kill Fabio, marry Haruhi—" this got a hugely frightening, threatening glare from Tamaki, "And fuck Hikaru."

"Hikaru wasn't a choice!" Rei protested with a huff.

"Our love defies your worthless demands!" Kaoru cried in a mockingly-dramatic, defiant tone as Hikaru slung his arm around Kaoru's shoulders and pulled him closer.

"Oh God please tell me they're acting." Said Tai with an eye twitch. "That is illegal in _so_ many different ways."

"I know, isn't it awesome?" Rei asked cheerily. "Hooray for yaoi!"

Tai facepalmed. _This _was the girl he liked? "Oh, crap…" He said, accidentally out loud, feeling his face burning up and turn red. He did _not_ just think that.

Rei blinked, looking over at her friend. "What's up, Tai?"

"Erk—Nothing, nothing!" He said defensively, waving his hands in front of his face to try to shield his red face from view. –Unsuccessfully, that is.

"Hm." Muttered Hikaru as he looked with narrowed eyes at the blonde Canadian boy, frowning deeply.

"Hikaru…?" Said Kaoru uncertainly, looking over at his brother in concern. He hadn't seen him look like this since Haruhi—

Oh…

Oh.

_Oh_!

Kaoru slapped a hand to his mouth to conceal the sly smile that was growing and spreading across his face. _He's so obvious… Jeez, Hikaru… _He tried to stifle a laugh as he saw Hikaru let out a small, "mrmph" of ignorant irritation as he continued to gaze upon the two Canadian idiots together.

_It's a good thing those Canadians are dumb… _He thought, shaking his head in amusement, oblivious to the fact that one certain ginger-haired, blue-eyed Canadian herself was burning holes into the back of his head with her own quiet, observant stare.


End file.
